Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars are aware of your wish to shake it, but they warn you not to break it, as it took your mama nine months to make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bump in life's road causes you to lose control of life's car and spin out of control, careening off life's cliff and into life's rocky valley below, where the car bursts into life's flames.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll spend the rest of your life experiencing a painful kind of celebrity as you burn to death over a period of 37 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Hotei, the Buddha of epicureanism, challenges you to a pie-eating contest, which you will, of course, lose. Also, the pies are surprisingly mediocre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will become synonymous with financial success when you have it legally changed to Rich Wealthy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists say the universe will end in a state of heat death, which makes the giant stuttering cartoon pig's announcement that much more of a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will continue having problems establishing meaningful, non-strangling relationships with men well into your 40s.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your recent visit to the hospital to entertain sick children is a nice gesture, but they scream themselves senseless upon seeing you again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It appears that this is your year at last, and it is--especially the "at last" part.