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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars are aware of your wish to shake it, but they warn you not to break it, as it took your mama nine months to make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bump in life's road causes you to lose control of life's car and spin out of control, careening off life's cliff and into life's rocky valley below, where the car bursts into life's flames.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll spend the rest of your life experiencing a painful kind of celebrity as you burn to death over a period of 37 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Hotei, the Buddha of epicureanism, challenges you to a pie-eating contest, which you will, of course, lose. Also, the pies are surprisingly mediocre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will become synonymous with financial success when you have it legally changed to Rich Wealthy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists say the universe will end in a state of heat death, which makes the giant stuttering cartoon pig's announcement that much more of a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will continue having problems establishing meaningful, non-strangling relationships with men well into your 40s.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your recent visit to the hospital to entertain sick children is a nice gesture, but they scream themselves senseless upon seeing you again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It appears that this is your year at last, and it is--especially the "at last" part.

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