Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

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How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars are aware of your wish to shake it, but they warn you not to break it, as it took your mama nine months to make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bump in life's road causes you to lose control of life's car and spin out of control, careening off life's cliff and into life's rocky valley below, where the car bursts into life's flames.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll spend the rest of your life experiencing a painful kind of celebrity as you burn to death over a period of 37 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Hotei, the Buddha of epicureanism, challenges you to a pie-eating contest, which you will, of course, lose. Also, the pies are surprisingly mediocre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will become synonymous with financial success when you have it legally changed to Rich Wealthy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists say the universe will end in a state of heat death, which makes the giant stuttering cartoon pig's announcement that much more of a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will continue having problems establishing meaningful, non-strangling relationships with men well into your 40s.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your recent visit to the hospital to entertain sick children is a nice gesture, but they scream themselves senseless upon seeing you again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It appears that this is your year at last, and it is--especially the "at last" part.