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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars are aware of your wish to shake it, but they warn you not to break it, as it took your mama nine months to make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bump in life's road causes you to lose control of life's car and spin out of control, careening off life's cliff and into life's rocky valley below, where the car bursts into life's flames.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll spend the rest of your life experiencing a painful kind of celebrity as you burn to death over a period of 37 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Hotei, the Buddha of epicureanism, challenges you to a pie-eating contest, which you will, of course, lose. Also, the pies are surprisingly mediocre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will become synonymous with financial success when you have it legally changed to Rich Wealthy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists say the universe will end in a state of heat death, which makes the giant stuttering cartoon pig's announcement that much more of a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will continue having problems establishing meaningful, non-strangling relationships with men well into your 40s.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your recent visit to the hospital to entertain sick children is a nice gesture, but they scream themselves senseless upon seeing you again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It appears that this is your year at last, and it is--especially the "at last" part.

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