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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars are aware of your wish to shake it, but they warn you not to break it, as it took your mama nine months to make it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bump in life's road causes you to lose control of life's car and spin out of control, careening off life's cliff and into life's rocky valley below, where the car bursts into life's flames.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll spend the rest of your life experiencing a painful kind of celebrity as you burn to death over a period of 37 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Hotei, the Buddha of epicureanism, challenges you to a pie-eating contest, which you will, of course, lose. Also, the pies are surprisingly mediocre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your name will become synonymous with financial success when you have it legally changed to Rich Wealthy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists say the universe will end in a state of heat death, which makes the giant stuttering cartoon pig's announcement that much more of a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will continue having problems establishing meaningful, non-strangling relationships with men well into your 40s.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your recent visit to the hospital to entertain sick children is a nice gesture, but they scream themselves senseless upon seeing you again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It appears that this is your year at last, and it is--especially the "at last" part.

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