Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.


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