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Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.

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