Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 01

Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife

WILMINGTON, DE—In an efficient and deeply meaningful act of sexual expression, eraser manufacturer Ted Wyczinski manufactured sweet love to his wife Monday after a romantic dinner at the Route 14 Red Lobster. "Nice work, honey," Wyczinski complimented his wife following the 20-minute coupling. "I thought that came out great."

WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

The Thinkable Happens To Local Man

OLATHE, KS—The thinkable happened to area resident Bruce Conroy, 44, Monday, when the newspaper he was carrying fell out of his hand. "I can believe what I just saw," one witness told reporters. "In all my years, I can honestly say I've seen many things like that." An unshaken Conroy told reporters after the incident: "Who wouldn't have thought that this, or something very much like it, could happen?"

Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

China's Nuclear Buildup

According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as 100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.
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