Aries | March 21 to April 19
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.
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