Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone–or something–seems to have been walking beside you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.