Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 01

English Teacher Obviously Hung Over

MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO–Despite attempts to conceal it from students, Eisenhower High School 11th-grade English teacher Matthew Geisinger was clearly hung over Monday. "Today, you're going to break up into groups of four to discuss that book you read over the weekend," Geisinger groggily told his first-period class. "The idea is to draw your own conclusions about the book without coming to me for any help." Geisinger then rested his head on his desk for the remainder of the period, occasionally taking a sip of coffee.

New KFC Employee Takes 'Fry-Q' Test In Employee Manual

MITCHELL, SD–After a three-hour training session at the Berner Road KFC Monday, food-prep trainee Liz Falk took the "Fry-Q" test in the employee handbook. "It's to see how much you know about, like, breading and the different chicken parts and stuff," said Falk, 16, who has a Fry-Q of 127. "I think I messed up the section on potato wedges, but I did okay on the rest." Impressed by Falk's high Fry-Q, KFC manager Dan Nies said he hopes to groom her for a shift-supervisor position.

Paul Hogan Keeps Pitching Crocodile Dundee Saturday-Morning Cartoon

LOS ANGELES–Continuing nine years of such efforts, Australian actor Paul Hogan pitched a Crocodile Dundee Saturday-morning cartoon to Fox Family Channel executives Tuesday. "In Crocodile Dundee & His Outback Gang, Dundee would travel the world in a hot-air balloon, having adventures with his outback pals Kenny Koala and J. Wellington Wallaby,"Hogan told the executives. "This is an even stronger concept than the Crocodile Dundee & The Magic Didgeridoo idea I pitched you folks last year. Or was that UPN?" Hogan said that in addition to executive producing Crocodile Dundee & His Outback Gang, he would be willing to provide the voice for the title character.

Salvadoran Earthquake Registers 0.2 On Local Man's Consciousness

PORTAGE, MI–A massive earthquake in El Salvador did not rock Walt Grella's world Saturday, measuring 0.2 on the Portage man's consciousness. "I think I heard something about that," Grella said of the Central American disaster that killed 600 and left 500 more missing and feared dead. "Yeah, it sounded kind of bad." Grella experienced no aftershocks from news of the quake, shrugging slightly before continuing with his day uninterrupted.

Clinton Not Expecting To Collect White House Security Deposit

WASHINGTON, DC–Surveying the White House's walls and bathroom fixtures in preparation for move-out, President Clinton said Monday that he expects to forfeit his security deposit. "It's just not worth it," Clinton said. "I'd rather lose the $575 than have to deal with fixing all the nail holes and chipped porticos and stuff." Noticing a small, brownish stain on the East Room's carpet, Clinton added: "It's not like the place is trashed, but eight years of summits and state dinners are really going to take their toll on a place."

Firearm-Safety Tips

When operating a firearm, safety is paramount. Here are some tips to reduce the risk of mishaps:
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Innovation

Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.
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