Aries | March 21 to April 19
Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.
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