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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.

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