Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.