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Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" during an incident involving an unusually large frying pan and a fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In five to seven years, there will be increased demand for license-plate makers. Start job-training now by getting arrested for manslaughter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not going to be able to talk about this week without using the word "brutal" a lot.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Relax: Everyone feels like a complete schmuck sometimes, though not for 28 straight years like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A pop-cultural shift you are not equipped to understand will turn you into an object of high camp overnight.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sharon may seem like a nice enough sort, but when she's named Secretary of Weights and Measures next week, you'll see her true colors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Actually, there was nothing wrong with your design for tamper-resistant pants. You may, however, have overestimated demand for the product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will become a modern Rip Van Winkle next week when you fall asleep under a tree and awake to a nightmarish world 11 hours into the future.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    No one believes for a second that an evil hypnotist compelled you to eat all the doughnuts. Which is frustrating, because it's actually true.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The judge is moved by the accordion player's deep love and refuses to grant a restraining order. Just put up with the music until he gets over you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No change for Pisces this week, except in the intensity and frequency of the fits.

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