Aries | March 21 to April 19
Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars see success in your future, or at least limited parts of it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The police aren't sure what to make of your little "installation," but don't pay them any mind: If you say it's nurse-art, it's nurse-art.
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