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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars see success in your future, or at least limited parts of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The police aren't sure what to make of your little "installation," but don't pay them any mind: If you say it's nurse-art, it's nurse-art.
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