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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars see success in your future, or at least limited parts of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The police aren't sure what to make of your little "installation," but don't pay them any mind: If you say it's nurse-art, it's nurse-art.

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