Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars see success in your future, or at least limited parts of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The police aren't sure what to make of your little "installation," but don't pay them any mind: If you say it's nurse-art, it's nurse-art.