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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Looking back, you can't figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by wild boars situation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you think of yourself as having an excellent sense of humor, you really don't see anything funny about fat people, priests walking into bars, or passing gas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core when you are strapped to a four-horsepower hardware-store paint shaker.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take heart: You probably aren't the only person crushed by the things Vince Lombardi is quoted as having said about you in his new biography.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be overjoyed when surgeons manage to remove the adze from your skull, but quickly realize it was the only thing that made you special.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You may love children, but you shouldn't have any of your own, as the three things you have to do to get them are dirty.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some of your coworkers may believe that words hurt, but just wait until you hit them in the face with the stapler.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars see success in your future, or at least limited parts of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice things up in your bedroom this week: Come home 15 minutes early from work without telling your spouse, but be ready for a surprise.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars are sick and tired of telling you what they say. Learn to listen for once, dammit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Cancer, which makes it suck that you're an Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The police aren't sure what to make of your little "installation," but don't pay them any mind: If you say it's nurse-art, it's nurse-art.

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