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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not sure why, but you've never bought that one chicken's alleged reason for crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be held in contempt of court by several judges you haven't even met, which you have to admit is pretty good anticipation on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be stripped, cleaned, oiled, and lovingly Briwaxed even though you insist that you are not a 1930s craft project.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say make-up sex is the hottest, so it's probably not a good idea to resolve that long-standing feud with your parents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Eventually, they'll figure out who it was that broke into the safe, but they'll just laugh at you for taking the money when you could've had the secret pie recipe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally learn to stop looking like you've put your makeup on with a trowel just as the hot new trend of trowel-applied makeup catches on.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can remember a happier time when you were young and hopeful and Yaphet Kotto wasn't following you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Executives at all the major networks will reject your idea for a fiction-based "non-reality show" as "too hard to understand."

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