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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not sure why, but you've never bought that one chicken's alleged reason for crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be held in contempt of court by several judges you haven't even met, which you have to admit is pretty good anticipation on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be stripped, cleaned, oiled, and lovingly Briwaxed even though you insist that you are not a 1930s craft project.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say make-up sex is the hottest, so it's probably not a good idea to resolve that long-standing feud with your parents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Eventually, they'll figure out who it was that broke into the safe, but they'll just laugh at you for taking the money when you could've had the secret pie recipe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally learn to stop looking like you've put your makeup on with a trowel just as the hot new trend of trowel-applied makeup catches on.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can remember a happier time when you were young and hopeful and Yaphet Kotto wasn't following you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Executives at all the major networks will reject your idea for a fiction-based "non-reality show" as "too hard to understand."
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