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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not sure why, but you've never bought that one chicken's alleged reason for crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be held in contempt of court by several judges you haven't even met, which you have to admit is pretty good anticipation on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be stripped, cleaned, oiled, and lovingly Briwaxed even though you insist that you are not a 1930s craft project.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say make-up sex is the hottest, so it's probably not a good idea to resolve that long-standing feud with your parents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Eventually, they'll figure out who it was that broke into the safe, but they'll just laugh at you for taking the money when you could've had the secret pie recipe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally learn to stop looking like you've put your makeup on with a trowel just as the hot new trend of trowel-applied makeup catches on.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can remember a happier time when you were young and hopeful and Yaphet Kotto wasn't following you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Executives at all the major networks will reject your idea for a fiction-based "non-reality show" as "too hard to understand."

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