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Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not sure why, but you've never bought that one chicken's alleged reason for crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be held in contempt of court by several judges you haven't even met, which you have to admit is pretty good anticipation on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be stripped, cleaned, oiled, and lovingly Briwaxed even though you insist that you are not a 1930s craft project.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say make-up sex is the hottest, so it's probably not a good idea to resolve that long-standing feud with your parents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Eventually, they'll figure out who it was that broke into the safe, but they'll just laugh at you for taking the money when you could've had the secret pie recipe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally learn to stop looking like you've put your makeup on with a trowel just as the hot new trend of trowel-applied makeup catches on.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can remember a happier time when you were young and hopeful and Yaphet Kotto wasn't following you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Executives at all the major networks will reject your idea for a fiction-based "non-reality show" as "too hard to understand."

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