Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

In This Section

Vol 41 Issue 03

White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—T. Eric Mayhew, 36, who began working in the White House kitchen the day President George W. Bush took office, submitted his resignation Monday. "The noble work of dishwashing preceded my appointment to this job and will continue long after I leave," Mayhew said. "It was an honor to serve under the president. I leave my post proudly, knowing the White House flatware is more sanitary today than it was when I began my work here." Mayhew will maintain his position until Bush appoints a replacement.

Mets Earmark $53 Million For Pitching Relief

NEW YORK—Following a stormy 2004 season that some observers called nothing short of a disaster, the New York Mets have addressed the tidal wave of criticism by earmarking more than $53 million to pitching relief. "We're doing all we can to salvage what's left of our team in this emergency situation," Mets general manager Omar Minaya said of his team, which signed pitcher Pedro Martinez in recent weeks. "We ask that everyone say a prayer for us as we attempt to rebuild this once-thriving franchise." The Mets also signed outfielder Carlos Beltran, dedicating $117 million to shore up a defense that has recently been flooded with runs.

Caged Saddam To Be Highlight Of Inaugural Ball

WASHINGTON, DC—Attendees at the Independence Ball, one of nine officially sanctioned galas celebrating President George W. Bush's second inauguration Thursday, will be treated to a viewing of a caged Saddam Hussein, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said Monday. "What better way to honor the president than with a physical symbol of his many first-term triumphs?" McClellan said as Hussein rattled the bars of a cage already suspended above the ballroom where the event will be held. "And I must compliment the planning committee. Outfitting Gitmo detainees with iron collars and forcing them to serve appetizers was an inspired stroke." Ball attendees will also be awarded door prizes, including a basket of nuts, 20 yards of cloth, and a barrel of crude oil.

Georgia's Evolution Stickers

Last week, a U.S. district judge ordered a Georgia school district to remove stickers reading, "Evolution is a theory, not a fact" from its textbooks. What do you think?

Junk Yardin'

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a fistful of problems lately. I had to beg Ron for a second chance at the crappy carbonics plant. That sucked, first because I hate begging, and second because I hate begging Ron. I had to remind him of the time I pulled this guy with a USMC tattoo off of him after he got too friendly with the marine's woman. I was hoping to cash that favor in for something good, instead I had to waste it on a job.

Supreme Court To Break Up If Rehnquist Leaves

WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to widespread speculation, members of the U.S. Supreme Court told reporters Monday that they will not continue to hear cases if Chief Justice William Rehnquist, 80, steps down.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Customer Service

Horoscope for the week of January 19, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're not sure why, but you've never bought that one chicken's alleged reason for crossing the road.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A trip to sunny Bermuda does not recharge your batteries due to the fact that your worker-robot casing isn't equipped for solar-energy uptake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be held in contempt of court by several judges you haven't even met, which you have to admit is pretty good anticipation on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be stripped, cleaned, oiled, and lovingly Briwaxed even though you insist that you are not a 1930s craft project.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say make-up sex is the hottest, so it's probably not a good idea to resolve that long-standing feud with your parents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Eventually, they'll figure out who it was that broke into the safe, but they'll just laugh at you for taking the money when you could've had the secret pie recipe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll finally learn to stop looking like you've put your makeup on with a trowel just as the hot new trend of trowel-applied makeup catches on.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You can remember a happier time when you were young and hopeful and Yaphet Kotto wasn't following you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Executives at all the major networks will reject your idea for a fiction-based "non-reality show" as "too hard to understand."
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More