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Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."

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