Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."