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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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