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Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."

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