adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say you’ll be happy and successful but, in all honesty, their hearts really aren’t in it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be praised highly in this week’s New Yorker, but you eventually find out that there is somebody else named Norman Mailer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The appearance of Mars heralds excitement for Leo. The Red Planet will collide with the Earth next Thursday, destroying the world.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The Klan will come to its senses next week, realize that racial intolerance and persecution are wrong, and focus its energy on lynching you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The events of this weekend will lead to your grudging, posthumous concession that those anti-drug people may not have gotten it entirely wrong.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don’t take any guff from those smart-aleck mathematicians and their silly “imaginary” numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your coolheadedness and refusal to jump at the first sign of danger enable you to watch a neat drowning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your financial problems disappear when you find a man who gives you cash for other people’s valuables.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be approached by Messrs. Feldman and Haim this week with an offer to be "The Third Corey."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close