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Horoscope for the week of January 21, 1998

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 21, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A gypsy seer will reveal to you that your great lack of the sensitivity, uncharacteristic of those born under this sign, stems from the fact that you are a 1988 Dodge Aries sedan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Dress to make a stronger impression at the office: Wear a Skoal painter's cap and sleeveless Rush T-shirt.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Fire and air magic are strong in Gemini this week. If you take up smoking now, you'll have enough Marlboro Miles to earn a satellite dish in 10 days.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love and business lives mesh unexpectedly when your free-agent wife signs with a richer husband.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to become more compassionate toward the less fortunate members of society. Get the cabana boys at your local beach club to form a volleyball team that's capable of finally beating the rich vacationers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Concerns about your health will prove unfounded when you have your most painless embolism yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be featured on Tonight Show With Jay Leno when a typo in your obituary causes unintended hilarity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life is turned upside-down when you realize that your lack of success means that God wants you to fail.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your job at the video store seems to have taken a turn for the better when, out of the blue, you find yourself in a red-hot stockroom threesome with two hunky co-workers. Unfortunately, they turn out to be life-sized cardboard stand-ups of Brad Pitt and S
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until you have earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should never be ashamed of your intelligence. You should be ashamed that you waste it watching Dr. Who and playing Magic: The Gathering.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Do not despair about finding love: Doctors will soon discover a new type of pervert who gets off on you.

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