Horoscope for the week of January 21, 1998

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 21, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A gypsy seer will reveal to you that your great lack of the sensitivity, uncharacteristic of those born under this sign, stems from the fact that you are a 1988 Dodge Aries sedan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Dress to make a stronger impression at the office: Wear a Skoal painter's cap and sleeveless Rush T-shirt.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Fire and air magic are strong in Gemini this week. If you take up smoking now, you'll have enough Marlboro Miles to earn a satellite dish in 10 days.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love and business lives mesh unexpectedly when your free-agent wife signs with a richer husband.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to become more compassionate toward the less fortunate members of society. Get the cabana boys at your local beach club to form a volleyball team that's capable of finally beating the rich vacationers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Concerns about your health will prove unfounded when you have your most painless embolism yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be featured on Tonight Show With Jay Leno when a typo in your obituary causes unintended hilarity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life is turned upside-down when you realize that your lack of success means that God wants you to fail.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your job at the video store seems to have taken a turn for the better when, out of the blue, you find yourself in a red-hot stockroom threesome with two hunky co-workers. Unfortunately, they turn out to be life-sized cardboard stand-ups of Brad Pitt and S
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until you have earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should never be ashamed of your intelligence. You should be ashamed that you waste it watching Dr. Who and playing Magic: The Gathering.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Do not despair about finding love: Doctors will soon discover a new type of pervert who gets off on you.