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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Horoscope for the week of January 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although it's true that you have some rudimentary skillz, they are barely enough to pay your long-distance phone service and cable billz.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The question of whether human consciousness can exist outside the body remains unanswered, but at least you and your trusty Thermos gave it a good try.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be held accountable by the law for refusing to provide the information that someone was being held prisoner in a fortune-cookie factory.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus will finally speak to you this week, but His message of love will contain such filthy language that your faith will be shaken forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Getting there is said to be half the fun, but those people aren't going where you're going.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will not be able to sleep at night after finding out that the magnetic North Pole drifted almost 40 miles last year.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are slowly making progress in the area of leaving quietly when people are done having sex with you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and make people feel stupid about having you around at all.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Experience is a great teacher. This week, it will teach you your Miranda rights, the difference between a polecat and a skunk, and what a sucker punch is.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There are some things in this universe that mankind was never meant to know. The boring details of your trip to South Dakota are among them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The concept of Cartesian duality may have fallen largely out of favor, but you still believe that you're either from Texas or you ain't shit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may be worried about those strange voices in your head. Don't be. Those are your "thoughts."

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