Horoscope for the week of January 21, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 03

New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Get Back To Work

NEW YORK—Viacom, the global media conglomerate that includes such properties as CBS, Paramount Pictures, MTV, Nickelodeon, UPN, Showtime, Blockbuster Video, and Simon and Schuster, began airing a TV ad Monday that orders its employees to get back to work. "Worker efficiency needed a little boost," said Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone. "But instead of sending an e-mail to everyone at all of our subsidiaries, we just televised a 'Look alive, people' warning during Ricki Lake." The 30-second spot also included a reminder that discussion of Super Bowl pools should occur at breaks only.

14-Word Diet Stretched To 200 Pages

BOSTON—The Florida Keys diet, which can be adequately described in 14 words, has been padded into a 204-page book: Losing Weight The Florida Keys Way, available in bookstores Tuesday. "The diet is pretty much, 'Avoid saturated fats and simple carbohydrates, eat mostly fresh vegetables and seafood, and exercise," said author Dr. Harris Jegen. "Unfortunately, no one is going to shell out $24.95 for one sentence, so I've got some recipes and charts in there, a bunch of testimonials, and a 50-page Diet Diary." Jegen's previous books include The Florida Keys Diet and The Florida Keys Diet Made Easy.

Bush Vows To Discover, Legalize Aliens On American, Martian Soil

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush restated his commitment to the quality and discovery of immigrant and Martian life Monday, calling for increased efforts to register and search for gainfully employed and extraterrestrial aliens. "America must further pursue the quest for a better way of, or undiscovered forms of, life," Bush said Monday. "To this end, I will commission the INS and NASA to assemble committees and probes to explore potential minimum-wage and minimum-risk endeavors in the service sector of the economy and the Olympus Mons sector of Mars." Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh criticized the endeavor, saying the social and scientific programs will take jobs and money away from domestic workers and domestic security.

Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

WASHINGTON, DC—Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao's work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26.

Israel's West Bank Wall

Amid protest from Palestinians, Israel began construction on a 25-foot-tall protection barrier on the edge of Jerusalem. What do you think?

Narcissist Mentally Undresses Self

CHICAGO—J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. project manager and narcissist Brian Knowles undressed himself with his eyes while his secretary delivered the day's agenda Monday. "The entire time Sandra [Hutchins] was talking, I was imagining my clothing coming off, piece by piece," Knowles said. "I thought I was going to lose it when I yawned and stretched so seductively. It's a miracle I get any work done, running around in that tasty Armani suit all day." Knowles added that he's "so asking to be fucked."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of January 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Although it's true that you have some rudimentary skillz, they are barely enough to pay your long-distance phone service and cable billz.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The question of whether human consciousness can exist outside the body remains unanswered, but at least you and your trusty Thermos gave it a good try.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll be held accountable by the law for refusing to provide the information that someone was being held prisoner in a fortune-cookie factory.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Jesus will finally speak to you this week, but His message of love will contain such filthy language that your faith will be shaken forever.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Getting there is said to be half the fun, but those people aren't going where you're going.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will not be able to sleep at night after finding out that the magnetic North Pole drifted almost 40 miles last year.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You are slowly making progress in the area of leaving quietly when people are done having sex with you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Remember: It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and make people feel stupid about having you around at all.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Experience is a great teacher. This week, it will teach you your Miranda rights, the difference between a polecat and a skunk, and what a sucker punch is.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There are some things in this universe that mankind was never meant to know. The boring details of your trip to South Dakota are among them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The concept of Cartesian duality may have fallen largely out of favor, but you still believe that you're either from Texas or you ain't shit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You may be worried about those strange voices in your head. Don't be. Those are your "thoughts."
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