Aries | March 21 to April 19
Although it's true that you have some rudimentary skillz, they are barely enough to pay your long-distance phone service and cable billz.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The question of whether human consciousness can exist outside the body remains unanswered, but at least you and your trusty Thermos gave it a good try.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be held accountable by the law for refusing to provide the information that someone was being held prisoner in a fortune-cookie factory.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Jesus will finally speak to you this week, but His message of love will contain such filthy language that your faith will be shaken forever.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Getting there is said to be half the fun, but those people aren't going where you're going.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will not be able to sleep at night after finding out that the magnetic North Pole drifted almost 40 miles last year.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are slowly making progress in the area of leaving quietly when people are done having sex with you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Remember: It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and make people feel stupid about having you around at all.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Experience is a great teacher. This week, it will teach you your Miranda rights, the difference between a polecat and a skunk, and what a sucker punch is.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There are some things in this universe that mankind was never meant to know. The boring details of your trip to South Dakota are among them.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The concept of Cartesian duality may have fallen largely out of favor, but you still believe that you're either from Texas or you ain't shit.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You may be worried about those strange voices in your head. Don't be. Those are your "thoughts."
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION