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Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.

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