Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

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Recent News

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Technology

Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.
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