adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Gene Editing

Recent advancements in gene editing have introduced a number of exciting possibilities for human advancement and raised difficult ethical questions. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of gene editing.

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close