Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 02

Satan To Revise Bar Code System

NEW YORK—Responding to retailers' calls to "streamline the Mark of the Beast," Satan announced plans Monday to make significant changes in the UPC symbol by the end of the millenium. "All men, small and great, rich and poor, slave and free, shall bear the mark of the beast," Satan said. The mark, "666," now hidden in every UPC symbol, may be more effective if taken off products and burned directly onto consumers' foreheads or hands, according to The Father of Lies. Said National Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan: "As foretold in the Book of Revelations, it shall come to pass that no man shall be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast." The new bar code system will be introduced through a series of televised public-service announcements featuring Friends star Matthew Perry and Satan, who will appear as a beast with seven heads and ten horns.

Local Senior Impressed With Restaurant Cheesecake

HOBOKEN, NJ—According to reports, area senior Herbert Bloch, 69, was "impressed" with the slice of strawberry cheesecake served to him at the Denny's restaurant on Sand Hill Road Monday. "The cheesecake was very flavorful and moist," Bloch was reported to have told the server. He also was rumored to have praised the flaky crust and said that the cake had "just the right amount of whipped cream." Sources close to Bloch's server indicated that prior to his ordering of the cheesecake, Bloch consumed a Philadelphia cheese-steak sandwich. It was believed that he found it to be delicious, as well. Sources inside Denny's believe that Bloch, who dined alone, commented on the cheesecake in a sad attempt to engage another human being in conversation. Bloch is expected to return to Denny's in the future to order more cheesecake.

Hubble Space Telescope Finds Men From Venus, Women From Mars

PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicists and self-help authors alike expressed shock Friday when new data from the Hubble Space Telescope indicated that, contrary to prior belief, men are from Venus and women are from Mars. "Ever since Copernicus' Third Universal Law On Why Men Can't Cry, scientists have believed the opposite, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus," Chief NASA Engineer Stanley Fordham said. Hubble data clearly indicates that Venus features an inhospitable atmosphere that does not easily express its emotions and tends to hog the remote control when watching TV. New spectrographic photographs of the Mars surface, on the other hand, shows a sharing planet, open with its emotions and very nurturing.

Dole Makes Pretend White House Out Of Card Table, Sheet

RUSSELL, KS—Making his lifelong dream of becoming president a make-believe reality, 1996 Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole created a pretend White House Monday by draping a white bedsheet over a card table. Dole advisors say the former Kansas senator will reside in the pretend White House for the next four years. From under the card table, Dole told reporters, "This is Bob Dole's special White House. Bob Dole doesn't need anybody else to get to the White House." Sources close to Dole say that his White House, erected in a corner of the basement in his Russell, KS, home, is merely the first tangible manifestation of a larger make-believe universe in which Dole has resided for years.

I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

You see these hands? These hands have shaken the ruby and emerald-bejeweled hands of the Grand Sheik Emir of Omar Al Habib El Sababa! Now, you think that any time some uneducated, unmarried, trailer-trash waitress with four kids and another one on the way carries a couple of plates back and forth from my table, I'm suddenly supposed to start throwing my hard-earned dollar bills around like they're confetti? I'm afraid not! I didn't become a millionaire by overtipping, you know.

Right-to-Die Controversy

Right-to-die has been a hot issue of late, with both pro- and anti-right-to-die forces holding large demonstrations across the U.S. What do you think of physician-assisted suicide?

Top Websites

There are hundreds of thousands of websites in cyberspace. Which ones are the most popular?

Evita Is A Dance Of A Good Time

Hello and welcome back to my newspaper column entitled "The Silver Screen." As you may recall, in my newspaper column I often will tell you about which movies will put the brass in your buttons and which of the motion picture entertainments are not worth an old shoe's worth of nickels.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.
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