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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Nothing you attempt this week will succeed. Postpone your suicide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your theory concerning the fall of the Roman Empire is proven correct this week when archeologists unearth statues of The Troggs in Italy.

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