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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The good news is, at long last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told fucking everything?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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