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Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2003

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The good news is, at long last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told fucking everything?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.

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