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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
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Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The good news is, at long last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told fucking everything?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.

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