Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2003

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The good news is, at long last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told fucking everything?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.