adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It is said, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but that won't do you much good in your waitressing career.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close