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Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.
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Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It is said, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but that won't do you much good in your waitressing career.

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