Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It is said, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but that won't do you much good in your waitressing career.


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