Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It is said, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but that won't do you much good in your waitressing career.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close