Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It is said, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but that won't do you much good in your waitressing career.
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