Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 02

Howie Long Expresses Desire To Direct Radio Shack Spots

LOS ANGELES— Pondering his next career move, Radio Shack pitchman and former NFL defensive end Howie Long told reporters Monday that he is interested in directing an upcoming installment of the series of commercials in which he playfully endorses high-tech gadgets with actress Teri Hatcher. "I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I'm ready to get behind the camera," Long said. "I've done the acting thing for a while now, and I just feel like it's time for a new challenge." Long said he could bring the kind of experience and insight to directing the commercials that only comes from having spent countless hours on the set.

Receptionist Takes Leave Of Absence Citing Dehydration, Exhaustion

QUINCY, IL— Citing "dehydration and exhaustion," a spokesperson for Andrea Conklin announced Monday that the Quincy dental receptionist will take an extended leave of absence. "The stress and strain of answering Dr. Taubman's phones all day long has finally taken its toll on Ms. Conklin," spokesman Chris Vinocur said. "Andrea is now in the care of her personal physician, who has recommended that she take two months off to regain her strength." Vinocur denied rumors in last week's National Enquirer that Conklin had checked into a drug-rehabilitation facility.

Consumer Reports Rates Self 'Excellent'

NEW YORK— Consumer Reports magazine earned a rating of "excellent" in its special "Consumer Advocacy Magazines" issue, which hit newsstands Tuesday. "From our exhaustive, unbiased appraisals of all types of consumer products to our clear, concise writing style, Consumer Reports is once again the undisputed winner," the article read. "For the latest in consumer information and product-safety recalls, look no further than us."

Enron Executives Blamed For Missing Employee Donut Fund

HOUSTON— The Enron Corp. scandal widened Monday, when The Houston Chronicle reported that top company executives stole nearly $10 from the employee donut fund sometime between June and August of last year. "There should be at least $9.25 in the coffee can next to the filters," said Laurie Baker, a recently laid-off Enron employee. "I personally put $2.50 into that fund, and now it's gone." Enron CEO Kenneth Lay is already under grand-jury subpoena regarding $45 in Chinese-food-delivery allocations that mysteriously vanished on Nov. 17, 2001.

Confused Marines Capture Al-Jazeera Leader

DOHA, QATAR— In a daring effort to dismantle the vast Arab network, a company of confused Marines raided Al-Jazeera headquarters Monday and captured leader Mohammed Abouzeid. "Al-Jazeera has ties to virtually every country in the Arab world, and this guy was the key to their whole operation," Lt. Warren Withers said. "Nothing went through the Al-Jazeera communications array without his go-ahead." Pentagon officials praised the soldiers for their "courageous and swift action," but noted they would have preferred that the Marines captured someone hostile to the U.S. instead.

Homeless People Shouldn't Make You Feel Sad Like That

I realize not everybody can make mid-six figures like my husband. But just because you're not as fortunate as others, that doesn't give you the right to go around depressing people. That's my problem with the homeless: They spend all their time shuffling around in their tattered, smelly clothes, making you feel awful about having a nice home and job. Well, I don't think they should make you feel sad like that.

Who Do I Have To Blow To Win The Bancroft Prize In American History?

For the past seven years, I have devoted myself wholly to the task of studying the life of William Howard Taft, becoming, in the process, the world's foremost authority on our 27th president. I have delved deeply into both his personal and political history, tracing his journey from a hardscrabble Ohio boyhood to the highest office in the land.
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Horoscope for the week of January 23, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and relief when you are told by doctors that the malignant-looking growth on your face is a mustache.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will make headlines nationwide when you are the subject of a $340 million asexual-harassment lawsuit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The line between terrifying and tasteless is toed next week when you are stalked and painted by former New York Jets artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be delighted to find a good recipe for strawberry jam in the middle of an otherwise boring Tolstoy novel.
  • Leo

    Leo

    As you get older, you will begin to appreciate how the unseen hands of God and Buddy Ebsen subtly influence everything in Creation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will sacrifice everything you've worked so hard foróexcept your car, house, job, and marriageófor the love of a good woman.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will soon be reduced to a whimpering, quivering mess by the challenge of keeping all 33 wind-up toys going simultaneously.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The breezy, lighthearted tone of your best prose is unable to mask the fact that your characters are a boring pastiche of middle-class stereotypes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be forced to stop insulting others after everyone else in the world transmutes into rubber, while you, in turn, become glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will become embroiled in a wacky wild-goose chase, despite the ready availability of rational, tame geese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It is said, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but that won't do you much good in your waitressing career.
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