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DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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