Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 02

Toilet-Paper Edge Given Classy Appearance With Triangular Fold

MISSOULA, MT–A roll of Charmin bathroom tissue in Room 316 of a Missoula Motel 6 was imbued with a regal air Monday when the maid service folded the edge of the first sheet into an eye-pleasing triangle. "I felt like a pampered duchess," motel guest Rachel Spencer said. "That's what I call 'living the high life.'" Spencer also gushed about the Motel 6 matchbook propped up in the center of a sparkling-clean ashtray.

Explosion Used To Signify Big Savings

WORCESTER, MA–In an ad for Kearns Home & Garden Center in Monday's Worcester Telegram & Gazette, a violent explosion was used as a visual metaphor for low prices on thousands of items throughout the store. "Don't miss our once-a-year 'Explosion Of Savings' event," read the ad, which equated the destructive detonation of trinitrotoluene (TNT) with great savings on everything from Black & Decker wet-dry vacs to tulip bulbs. "Start the new year with a 'bang' of a bargain!"

Bunch Of People Apparently Saw That Brendan Fraser Mummy Movie

SACRAMENTO, CA–A lot of people apparently saw that Brendan Fraser mummy movie, area resident Bill Whited said to himself Monday while watching a trailer for The Mummy Returns. "Wow, I guess a bunch of people out there saw that thing," Whited said of 1999's The Mummy. "I vaguely remember it being in theaters for a few weeks, but I guess it was big. What's next, The Whole Nine Yards II?" A sequel to 1999's The Whole Nine Yards is currently in pre-production at Paramount.

White House Guidance Counselor Recommends Clinton Consider Career In Hotel Management

WASHINGTON, DC–At his mandatory post-presidency appointment with White House guidance counselor Larry Schecht, Bill Clinton was encouraged to consider a career in hotel management Monday. "Your Myers Briggs score suggests you would do well in a variety of job fields," Schecht told Clinton. "You could be anything from an architect to a food scientist, but your strong people skills indicate you would make an ideal hotel manager." To learn more about the field, Schecht recommended that Clinton set up informational interviews at some Washington-area hotels, as well as complete the exercises in the book What Color Is Your Parachute?

Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage

Times are tough, no question. There have been more layoffs in the past six months here at ProVantage Solutions than in the previous five years combined. Salaries have not increased to match inflation. Revenues have fallen off sharply. I do not need to tell you that the road ahead looks long and dark. But be brave, my friends: There is light at the end of the tunnel. Through it all, somehow, we will middle-manage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.
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