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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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