Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.
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