Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.