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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You might think that a memorable handshake is the measure of a man, but it's easy to think that way when you have a hook for a hand.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know in your heart that nothing's really wrong with you. However, your heart is just a muscle. You "know" things with your brain.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief that laughter is the best medicine will be altered forever when you discover penicillin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fatuousness will be revealed to the world when a large sandwich is your downfall on CBS's Contentment Island.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You might have tons of emotional problems, but loving too much isn't one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempts to lighten the mood by organizing a little sing-along are not appreciated by anyone else in the smoke-filled cockpit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Despite your belief that you are basically a decent person, you will find yourself saying, "It's not you, it's me."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Words can't describe the things that will happen to you this week. Fortunately, the mathematics of nuclear fusion can.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces wanted to tell your future this week, but he had to get new tires and help Dave move, so there just wasn't time.
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