Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.