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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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