adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close