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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.

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