Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.
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