Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 02

Movie Fails To Deliver Stupidity Promised in Preview

HERMOSA BEACH, CA–A weekend trip to the movies ended in disappointment Saturday, when the new Paramount Pictures comedy Don't Be Cruel failed to deliver the stupidity promised in its preview. "In the commercial, the main guy gets attacked by a chihuahua, hit in the face with a rake, and electrocuted by a toaster, so I thought it was gonna be really stupid," disillusioned moviegoer Vincent Curtis, 20, said. "But then, in the actual movie, there's only like 10 minutes of that kind of retarded stuff." Fellow moviegoer Bobby Williams, 21, agreed. "They totally just put those dumb scenes in the trailer to get you to see the movie, but then when you see it, it's all about how hard it is to find love and stuff," Williams said. "Who wants to see that?" Williams added that it's such total bullshit how they do that.

Area Supervisor Hates To Break Up Little Party

ARLINGTON, TX–With profound regret, departmental supervisor Peter Dunckel forced an informal gathering to disband at Arlington Printing & Design Monday. "I really do hate to break up this little party you've got going here," Dunckel said, "but break's been over for seven minutes. So if you could please get back to your respective workspaces, I'd really appreciate it." It was the seventh such party Dunckel has hated to break up in the past four weeks.

'Greatest Story Ever Told' Has Gimmicky Deus Ex Machina Ending

NEW HAVEN, CT–According to a Yale University literature professor, the tale of Christ's life–the so-called "Greatest Story Ever Told"–is saddled by a lazy, formulaic deus ex machina conclusion. "Talk about slapping on a happy Hollywood ending," Dr. Donald Schmidt said. "The Christ character gets nailed to the cross and dies, and the story seems to end on a complex and tragic note. But then, completely out of nowhere, this magical being comes down from out of the sky and resurrects Him, and all is well. Are we seriously supposed to fall for that? Please." Schmidt said the story's publisher probably forced its author to change the "down" ending out of fear of alienating readers.

Confederate-Flag Controversy

On Jan. 17, more than 47,000 people marched on South Carolina's Statehouse to protest the flying of the Confederate flag over the capitol dome. What do you think about the presence of what many consider an emblem of slavery?

Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair

The Cheat Guide To BloodLair is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair, appears in more than 250 newspapers.

Son Of Zweibel Strikes Again

Yesterday morning, Standish brought a letter from my fiancée, Miss Bernadette Fiske. I was so excited to get it, I pissed my swaddling-wraps clean through to the bed-sheets. "Do tell me that Miss Fiske is finally coming to the estate, Standish, and with my baby son in tow!" I cried. "How my heart aches for them so!"
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars say your fear of suitcase-sized nuclear weapons is irrational. You should actually be worried about conventional bombs the size of a tank truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be shunned by your fellow pornography lovers because of your sick obsession with "facial phlegmshots."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: You are just one man. Stop insisting that you're a 1960s girl group.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the Asian women in the jury.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Earth magic is strong in your sign this week, which won't help you pass Earth Science.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Turn to family for the support you need this week, unless the support you need is spiritual, emotional, or financial.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your future is looking unusually bright this week, which is no surprise, considering the incredible amounts of burning magnesium it contains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Trouble looms at the office when interdepartmental tensions come to a head. This may not be all that exciting for you, however, as you are the night janitor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Major life events will prompt you to remark that you are "not in Kansas anymore," bringing embarrassment to yourself and your fellow Topekans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be driven to distraction by the vague, indecipherable mutterings of an obviously fraudulent palm reader.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Unexpected events will shake your longtime conviction that life should be more like the cantina scene in Star Wars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You may think you crave true love, but it's not a game for cowards. Neither is Scrabble.
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