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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2005

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This Thursday, you'll find out that being nibbled to death by ducks is not merely an elaborate figure of speech.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always assumed your greatest flaw was the third arm growing out of your cheek, but it's actually that you refuse to give of yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A long journey over water lies ahead for you this week, and—thanks to a rather overconfident cruise-ship navigator—for many weeks to come.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may think of yourself as a victim of horribly tragic circumstances, but God put a lot of time and effort into making sure things happened just so.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It'll only be three days until authorities find you and the tic-tac-toe-playing chicken shacked up in a cheap hotel.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's really no denying he's a literary talent, but frankly, you don't find Terry Southern's pseudonymously published erotic novel to be all that great.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may be ruggedly handsome, but you're nothing next to the spot where Sandy River flows by Storm Mountain.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unfortunately for you, the Bible addresses the fact that there is a time to live and a time to die, but it's vague on the subject of zombies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although you'll crack three ribs, the TV footage will concentrate on the puppy you saved and pretty much ignore you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't see why everyone puts such a premium on listening to others. It's obviously better to use that time to decide what you'll say next.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's unlikely anything important will happen this week, but if it does, you're urged to contact the zodiac's toll-free Event Transpiration Hotline.

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