Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2005

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How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This Thursday, you'll find out that being nibbled to death by ducks is not merely an elaborate figure of speech.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always assumed your greatest flaw was the third arm growing out of your cheek, but it's actually that you refuse to give of yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A long journey over water lies ahead for you this week, and—thanks to a rather overconfident cruise-ship navigator—for many weeks to come.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may think of yourself as a victim of horribly tragic circumstances, but God put a lot of time and effort into making sure things happened just so.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It'll only be three days until authorities find you and the tic-tac-toe-playing chicken shacked up in a cheap hotel.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's really no denying he's a literary talent, but frankly, you don't find Terry Southern's pseudonymously published erotic novel to be all that great.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may be ruggedly handsome, but you're nothing next to the spot where Sandy River flows by Storm Mountain.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unfortunately for you, the Bible addresses the fact that there is a time to live and a time to die, but it's vague on the subject of zombies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although you'll crack three ribs, the TV footage will concentrate on the puppy you saved and pretty much ignore you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't see why everyone puts such a premium on listening to others. It's obviously better to use that time to decide what you'll say next.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's unlikely anything important will happen this week, but if it does, you're urged to contact the zodiac's toll-free Event Transpiration Hotline.