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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2005

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This Thursday, you'll find out that being nibbled to death by ducks is not merely an elaborate figure of speech.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always assumed your greatest flaw was the third arm growing out of your cheek, but it's actually that you refuse to give of yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A long journey over water lies ahead for you this week, and—thanks to a rather overconfident cruise-ship navigator—for many weeks to come.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may think of yourself as a victim of horribly tragic circumstances, but God put a lot of time and effort into making sure things happened just so.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It'll only be three days until authorities find you and the tic-tac-toe-playing chicken shacked up in a cheap hotel.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's really no denying he's a literary talent, but frankly, you don't find Terry Southern's pseudonymously published erotic novel to be all that great.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may be ruggedly handsome, but you're nothing next to the spot where Sandy River flows by Storm Mountain.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unfortunately for you, the Bible addresses the fact that there is a time to live and a time to die, but it's vague on the subject of zombies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although you'll crack three ribs, the TV footage will concentrate on the puppy you saved and pretty much ignore you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't see why everyone puts such a premium on listening to others. It's obviously better to use that time to decide what you'll say next.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's unlikely anything important will happen this week, but if it does, you're urged to contact the zodiac's toll-free Event Transpiration Hotline.

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