Aries | March 21 to April 19
Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be warmly greeted by your new peers when they welcome you into what they call "The Great Big Sextuple-Amputee Family."
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