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Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

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Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be warmly greeted by your new peers when they welcome you into what they call "The Great Big Sextuple-Amputee Family."

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