adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be warmly greeted by your new peers when they welcome you into what they call "The Great Big Sextuple-Amputee Family."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close