adBlockCheck

Recent News

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be warmly greeted by your new peers when they welcome you into what they call "The Great Big Sextuple-Amputee Family."
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close