Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a drinking straw.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Bloody noses don’t usually kill people. Then again, most people’s bloody noses don’t usually become infested with weasels, like yours.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will acquire a fifth housecat this week, officially signaling your withdrawal from human society.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to sell any of your home-made Eskimo pies, despite using fresher Eskimos than your competitors.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will panic while under the influence of drugs this week and become known as "The Boy Who Cried Giant Purple Man-Eating Walrus."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A divided nation will be brought together by its collective desire to see you finally get rid of that ridiculous beard.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will successfully lobby for political asylum in the produce department of your local Safeway.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Leslie Uggams will finally return your calls and coldly explain that she is not your "funky chocolate soul sister."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Witnesses to your trip to the corner store will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Incidentally, it is also the third-to-last day of the rest of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be warmly greeted by your new peers when they welcome you into what they call "The Great Big Sextuple-Amputee Family."