Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It will end in 40 years at the moment of your death.


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