Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It will end in 40 years at the moment of your death.