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DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It will end in 40 years at the moment of your death.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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