Aries | March 21 to April 19
After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and sends Charlton Heston instead.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Learn to treasure each day as if it were your only one on earth, because you are a specimen of Hexagenia Limbata, the common mayfly.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your apathy over being named Employee Of The Month turns to joy when the prize turns out to be a wrestling-style championship belt.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will face career hardship when you suddenly decide that you're tired of putting out your 'zine and quit, leaving yourself unemployed.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will become unhealthily obsessed with a grotesquely fat co-worker, but don't worry—you're not becoming a perverted "chubby chaser." You are becoming an unholy cannibal.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The disappearance of Mars from your sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. It could also indicate that its orbit has taken it behind the sun.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will enter a new life-phase when you realize that you don't have to spend lots of money on people in order to make them your friends. You can have sex with them instead.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
This will be a week of identity- adventures for Scorpio, as you are abducted, tortured, and shot in the back of the head by crooked New York cops who have mistaken you for Serpico.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your horoscope has been cancelled this week so that we may bring you Stroker Ace in its entirety.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Avoid conflict with co-workers this week. Spike your boss' coffee with military-grade rat poison.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It will end in 40 years at the moment of your death.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION