Horoscope for the week of January 28, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Fantasy Sports

Horoscope for the week of January 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new diet will cause you to become so skinny that, when sitting around the house, you will do so on a single, easily determined side of the house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although it was fun to hear your name on television, you still don't think the president should use the State Of The Union address to put prices on citizens' heads.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Learning to accept change is a sign of maturity. Enjoy spending your golden years begging for it on the corner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you learn one thing this week, let it be this: What matters isn't whether you're innocent or guilty, but what you wear to the trial.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't so much haunt the world after your death as become the spiritual equivalent of that guy who kept coming back to visit high school after graduation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fake-sounding French accent is even more heinous considering that you grew up in the countryside around Toulon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they're not looking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your cancer, if treated early, has a 96 percent recovery rate, doctors are strangely reluctant to treat you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can't really help the way people feel about you, especially if the dumbasses refuse to listen to reason.