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Horoscope for the week of January 29, 1997

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of January 29, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your stiffening body will be discovered on your parents' couch this week after the excitement you experience over the added four minutes of Star Wars footage bursts your fatty heart.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your ego will be irreparably damaged this week when your girlfriend leaves you for some guy named Dave, a "much better cartographer."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Conditions at your workplace become intolerable when your boss announces that your new capeless uniforms will be blue and white with a prominent lightning-bolt motif.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Financial hardship strikes you this week. However, it need not be a serious matter, as you are Emperor Of All The Germanies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Volunteering for your nation's fledgling space program results in your being issued a scuba mask and having a stick of TNT shoved up your rectum. Move out of Uganda.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your sudden promotion to Admiral will surprise no one more than yourself, as you are currently a lowly dishwasher at the M&H; Convenience Mart and Truck Corral.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everybody loves a clown, but next week the vice squad will arrest you for loving dozens of them against their will.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Forgive an old grudge this week. George Burns is dead, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your obsession with England's royal family ends this week when you realize that you are not one of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be slapped by the prettiest girl in town when you flirt with her during a drunken game of Name That Celebrity and coyly ask to put your Harry Dean in her Stanton.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The game of Zaxxon you began in 1984 finally ends this week, netting you a disappointing fifth place on the high score list.

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