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Horoscope for the week of January 29, 1997

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of January 29, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your stiffening body will be discovered on your parents' couch this week after the excitement you experience over the added four minutes of Star Wars footage bursts your fatty heart.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your ego will be irreparably damaged this week when your girlfriend leaves you for some guy named Dave, a "much better cartographer."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Conditions at your workplace become intolerable when your boss announces that your new capeless uniforms will be blue and white with a prominent lightning-bolt motif.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Financial hardship strikes you this week. However, it need not be a serious matter, as you are Emperor Of All The Germanies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Volunteering for your nation's fledgling space program results in your being issued a scuba mask and having a stick of TNT shoved up your rectum. Move out of Uganda.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your sudden promotion to Admiral will surprise no one more than yourself, as you are currently a lowly dishwasher at the M&H; Convenience Mart and Truck Corral.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everybody loves a clown, but next week the vice squad will arrest you for loving dozens of them against their will.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Forgive an old grudge this week. George Burns is dead, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your obsession with England's royal family ends this week when you realize that you are not one of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be slapped by the prettiest girl in town when you flirt with her during a drunken game of Name That Celebrity and coyly ask to put your Harry Dean in her Stanton.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The game of Zaxxon you began in 1984 finally ends this week, netting you a disappointing fifth place on the high score list.

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