Horoscope for the week of January 29, 1997

In This Section

Vol 31 Issue 03

Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The murder of clumsy, unattractive, 6-year-old Edith Pelphrey has not sent shockwaves of grief through the nation.

Clinton Clinton

WASHINGTON, DC—It was confirmed Monday that President Bill Clinton, who was Bill Clinton throughout the entire four years of his first term, is still Bill Clinton. "We are pleased with the stability of the president's identity," White House spokesperson Kathleen Shepherd told reporters. "It indicates that President Clinton is unlikely to transform from Bill Clinton into a non-Clinton form." Washington officials hope Clinton can remain Clinton throughout his second term, preventing unfortunate events such as in November 1975, when President Gerald Ford was briefly What's Happenin's Rerun.

New Low Stooped To

SEATTLE—Standards were lowered even further Sunday when a new, previously unimagined low was stooped to. "I am shocked and outraged," area resident Gwen Withers told reporters. "I mean, I consider myself a pretty tolerant person, but this is just... eurgghh!" Experts predict the new low will remain steady for a period of weeks, after which it will lower yet again as mankind continues its centuries-long slide into total barbarism.

Christ To Wed Longtime Backup Singer

NASHVILLE—It was confirmed Tuesday that Jesus Christ, 1,996, is engaged to Felicia Tufton, 38, who has sung backup on all of Christ's albums since 1983's Ridin' The Beams. "We are very excited about this new chapter in Jesus' life," said Gerald Hart, Christ's manager. "The couple will take a two-week break for the wedding at the end of their current tour, and after the honeymoon, they'll be back in the studio finishing Jesus' forthcoming album, The Long Haul." In the wake of His decision to marry, Christ says His plans of redeeming humanity from sin will be put on hold "indefinitely" while He pursues family life.

Teen Makes Clever Remark During Science Class

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—A dry explanation of cellular reproduction was considerably lightened Monday when Arnold Hager, 15, made a witty and cutting remark to a classmate during science class. "I'd like to reproduce cellularly with Cindy Loomis," Hager told his lab partner, Dennis Wender, 15. "'Cause Cindy's got, like, huge amoebas." Reactions to the remark varied: The class' teacher, Mr. Scarpelli, 58, angrily assigned extra homework, while student Brett Bunn, 16, giggled uncontrollably.

Redford To Re-Digitize Ordinary People, Improve Space Battle

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Robert Redford took time off from his Sundance Film Festival duties this week to oversee the final Industrial Light and Magic re-digitization of his Academy Award-winning 1980 drama Ordinary People. "I've always been bothered by a couple of the scenes, and I've really wanted to redo them using some of the new technology," Redford said. "For instance, in the scene where the Timothy Hutton character first confronts his mother about the older son's death, you can see certain imperfections in the space battle going on in the background." ILM technicians are also adding a series of large, spectacular explosions to the second Judd Hirsch therapist scene, and the spaceship exhaust emanating from Donald Sutherland's car will take on a more realistic, fiery appearance with the help of new special-effects technology. Five minutes of new footage edited out of the original will also be added, including Mary Tyler Moore's secret meeting with an alien bounty hunter who for years has repressed his abusive childhood.

Charitable Donations

Americans have contributed a steadily increasing amount of money to charity over the past 10 years. Why?

Down With The Income Tax!

Reading from his enormous ledger book, my accountant informed me today that my decision to purchase the Almagamated Vulcanized Testicle Company had resulted in a considerable loss, and I had no choice but to sell. Drat the foul luck! Why isn't the fool public purchasing rubber testicles? They're easy to care for and jaunty-looking, and they emit a pleasant odor!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Energy

Horoscope for the week of January 29, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your stiffening body will be discovered on your parents' couch this week after the excitement you experience over the added four minutes of Star Wars footage bursts your fatty heart.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your ego will be irreparably damaged this week when your girlfriend leaves you for some guy named Dave, a "much better cartographer."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Conditions at your workplace become intolerable when your boss announces that your new capeless uniforms will be blue and white with a prominent lightning-bolt motif.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Financial hardship strikes you this week. However, it need not be a serious matter, as you are Emperor Of All The Germanies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Volunteering for your nation's fledgling space program results in your being issued a scuba mask and having a stick of TNT shoved up your rectum. Move out of Uganda.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your sudden promotion to Admiral will surprise no one more than yourself, as you are currently a lowly dishwasher at the M&H; Convenience Mart and Truck Corral.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Everybody loves a clown, but next week the vice squad will arrest you for loving dozens of them against their will.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Forgive an old grudge this week. George Burns is dead, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your obsession with England's royal family ends this week when you realize that you are not one of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be slapped by the prettiest girl in town when you flirt with her during a drunken game of Name That Celebrity and coyly ask to put your Harry Dean in her Stanton.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The game of Zaxxon you began in 1984 finally ends this week, netting you a disappointing fifth place on the high score list.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More