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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Horoscope for the week of January 29, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t...
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.

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