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Horoscope for the week of January 29, 2003

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of January 29, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t...
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.

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