adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of January 29, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t...
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close