Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Upcoming events will give you insight into the origin of the phrases "hog-tied," "beaten like a red-headed stepchild," and, "Well, I'll be dipped in shit."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your misguided, hippie efforts to tie-dye a cat will finally see success, but at an unspeakable cost.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can match the humiliation you will feel next week when one sailor after another appears on your doorstep claiming to be your biological father.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just can't shake the feeling that, homespun or not, that Bombeck lady sure knew what she was talking about.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd quit your job telling kids about exposed power lines today if there were any other work options for a talking, hard-hat-wearing safety otter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week, you will prove the binomial theorem, posit a rule of gravitation, and develop a new theory of color, only to find that it's all been done before.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It is a sign of the degradation of academia that your opinions are taken seriously onmany DeVry campuses.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You passionately believe that modern society fosters political, intellectual, and spiritual repression, which is just fine by you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Thursday will find you talking to a walrus who urgently wishes to discuss cabbage, kings, nautical vessels, footwear, sealing wax, and possibly winged pigs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're starting to realize why you live in a huge New York City apartment where the kitchen is part of a giant living room with a couch that faces a camera.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will ever convince you that the Bon Jovi shit they play these days is real country music.


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