Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Originality

Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Upcoming events will give you insight into the origin of the phrases "hog-tied," "beaten like a red-headed stepchild," and, "Well, I'll be dipped in shit."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your misguided, hippie efforts to tie-dye a cat will finally see success, but at an unspeakable cost.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can match the humiliation you will feel next week when one sailor after another appears on your doorstep claiming to be your biological father.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just can't shake the feeling that, homespun or not, that Bombeck lady sure knew what she was talking about.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd quit your job telling kids about exposed power lines today if there were any other work options for a talking, hard-hat-wearing safety otter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week, you will prove the binomial theorem, posit a rule of gravitation, and develop a new theory of color, only to find that it's all been done before.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It is a sign of the degradation of academia that your opinions are taken seriously onmany DeVry campuses.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You passionately believe that modern society fosters political, intellectual, and spiritual repression, which is just fine by you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Thursday will find you talking to a walrus who urgently wishes to discuss cabbage, kings, nautical vessels, footwear, sealing wax, and possibly winged pigs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're starting to realize why you live in a huge New York City apartment where the kitchen is part of a giant living room with a couch that faces a camera.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will ever convince you that the Bon Jovi shit they play these days is real country music.