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Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Upcoming events will give you insight into the origin of the phrases "hog-tied," "beaten like a red-headed stepchild," and, "Well, I'll be dipped in shit."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your misguided, hippie efforts to tie-dye a cat will finally see success, but at an unspeakable cost.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can match the humiliation you will feel next week when one sailor after another appears on your doorstep claiming to be your biological father.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just can't shake the feeling that, homespun or not, that Bombeck lady sure knew what she was talking about.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd quit your job telling kids about exposed power lines today if there were any other work options for a talking, hard-hat-wearing safety otter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week, you will prove the binomial theorem, posit a rule of gravitation, and develop a new theory of color, only to find that it's all been done before.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It is a sign of the degradation of academia that your opinions are taken seriously onmany DeVry campuses.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You passionately believe that modern society fosters political, intellectual, and spiritual repression, which is just fine by you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Thursday will find you talking to a walrus who urgently wishes to discuss cabbage, kings, nautical vessels, footwear, sealing wax, and possibly winged pigs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're starting to realize why you live in a huge New York City apartment where the kitchen is part of a giant living room with a couch that faces a camera.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will ever convince you that the Bon Jovi shit they play these days is real country music.

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