Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Upcoming events will give you insight into the origin of the phrases "hog-tied," "beaten like a red-headed stepchild," and, "Well, I'll be dipped in shit."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your misguided, hippie efforts to tie-dye a cat will finally see success, but at an unspeakable cost.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can match the humiliation you will feel next week when one sailor after another appears on your doorstep claiming to be your biological father.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You just can't shake the feeling that, homespun or not, that Bombeck lady sure knew what she was talking about.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd quit your job telling kids about exposed power lines today if there were any other work options for a talking, hard-hat-wearing safety otter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week, you will prove the binomial theorem, posit a rule of gravitation, and develop a new theory of color, only to find that it's all been done before.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It is a sign of the degradation of academia that your opinions are taken seriously onmany DeVry campuses.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You passionately believe that modern society fosters political, intellectual, and spiritual repression, which is just fine by you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Thursday will find you talking to a walrus who urgently wishes to discuss cabbage, kings, nautical vessels, footwear, sealing wax, and possibly winged pigs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're starting to realize why you live in a huge New York City apartment where the kitchen is part of a giant living room with a couch that faces a camera.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will ever convince you that the Bon Jovi shit they play these days is real country music.