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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.

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