Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 03

Irish Wake A Blur

BOSTON–According to attendees, Saturday's wake for police officer Joseph "Joe" O'Malley was a total blur. "I think someone said something about remembering all the good times with Joe," said friend Patrick Monaghan, attempting to piece together details of the event Sunday. "Exactly which good times we remembered are lost to me now." Seamus McNamara agreed, saying, "I mainly recall making a lot of toasts and downing pint after pint of Guinness. Good ol' Joe."

Diners Slightly Unnerved That Waitress Didn't Write Down Order

PORTLAND, OR–A Chili's waitress identified only as "Karen" made a six-person lunch party uncomfortable Monday when she didn't write down their orders. "We ordered a heck of a lot of stuff," diner Dennis Bernardo told his dining companions. "You think she'll actually remember the 'no olives' in Bob's Greek salad? And my request for marinara sauce instead of alfredo on my pasta? I'm sure she knows what she's doing, but I still kinda wish she'd written it down." Fellow diner Sandi Slocum said she was going to add a Coke to her order just as the waitress was leaving, but opted not to for fear of "complicating things."

Annoying Coworker Precedes All Nouns With 'Quite The'

WICHITA, KS–Wichita Gas & Electric payroll secretary Patti Smolensk has thoroughly irritated coworkers with her habit of prefacing all nouns with "quite the," WG&E sources reported Monday. "She said, 'That's quite the mug you've got there' when I walked into the breakroom with a snowman-shaped mug," file clerk Cassie Taylor said. "And on Monday, she was talking about how she threw 'quite the shindig' over the weekend." Said sales representative Dianne White, whom Smolensk called "quite the sleepyhead" when she recently showed up half an hour late for work: "I'm gonna give her quite the punch in the face if she doesn't knock it off."

Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay

ALBEMARLE, NC–The sexual identity of Super Bowl viewer Henry Bracken was challenged Sunday, when a slow-motion instant replay showed the sinewy buttocks of Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis undulating hypnotically through his high-sheen spandex pants. Bracken, 41, was watching the game at his Albemarle home when he became momentarily transfixed by the sight of Lewis' gluteal musculature rippling explosively as the player made a sharp cut to avoid a tackler. "I ain't gay," said Bracken upon snapping out of the trance, during which he tried not to notice the lines of Lewis' jock strap framing his powerful, magnificently sculpted ass. "I just ain't."

Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!

Item! It's not just Oscar season, it's also break-up season! Among the Hollywood couples packing up their belongings and moving to Splitsville are Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin. Rumors have it that both of them were unhappy with the other's ballooning weight, so they decided to split before the situation got worse. For a while, this couple had it all: looks, money, and a commitment to numerous important causes. But, like so many Hollywood clouds, this one had a dark lining.

Rock's First Billionaire

With a net worth estimated at $1.07 billion, Paul McCartney recently became the word's first billionaire pop star. Among the former Beatle's holdings:

Hillary In 2004?

The 2000 presidential election is barely in the books, but talk has already turned to the possibility of Hillary Clinton making a White House run in 2004. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
  • Leo

    Leo

    As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.
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