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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.
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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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