adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close