Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION