Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how much your father would have loved it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As far as you can tell, the difference between the great and the near-great is their shoes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will learn an important lesson about sharing over the course of 22 minutes, plus commercials.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While you have always considered yourself "lovable," this is true only in the narrowest, most clinical sense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The technical term for what will happen to you next Tuesday is "trepanning," but that won't seem terribly interesting at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A good friend will see fit to share her darkest secrets with you shortly after placing a small but tasteful bouquet on your headstone.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've got just one big collar to make in your two days before retirement, so be careful: Sewing clown clothing can be extremely dangerous.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry about posterity. Just because history is written by the winners doesn't mean you won't get a footnote somewhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.