Horoscope for the week of January 5, 2005

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of January 5, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Skin irritation and the inability to sit will continue to plague you for as long as you continue to associate sexual release with mittens full of foaming cleanser.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They won't let you drive the actual Wienermobile, but driving your own vehicle made out of commercially available hot dogs is not a viable alternative.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside of your favorite stuffed animals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your future as a professional criminal seemed rosy when you moved to Keystone, but the city has dedicated a lot of money to fielding more professional Kops.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A full-body tattoo is an exciting idea, but your busy schedule will require that 24 professional skin artists team up during the most painful lunch hour in history.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The rest of the judges will soon grow to hate your long pauses and the way you say "Weeellllll..." and drum your fingers on the dais before pronouncing sentence.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Overall, you led a pretty good life, unless you count the full-ensemble dance numbers that broke out every time you tried to talk to the opposite sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Before you take too much pride in earning the title of "Monroe, ID's Answer To William Tell," you should really find out more about the town they call the Eye Patch Capitol Of The West.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their damn money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Look at it this way: In some admittedly deviant cultures, blood on the ceiling is a sign you're doing something noteworthy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Not only will you be relegated to the status of historical footnote, but the histories involved are those of aluminum cookware and unreadable sestina poetry.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When all is said and done, you'll have proven that a tone-deaf man with a banjo and no need to sleep can make a difference in his community.