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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of January 5, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Skin irritation and the inability to sit will continue to plague you for as long as you continue to associate sexual release with mittens full of foaming cleanser.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They won't let you drive the actual Wienermobile, but driving your own vehicle made out of commercially available hot dogs is not a viable alternative.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside of your favorite stuffed animals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your future as a professional criminal seemed rosy when you moved to Keystone, but the city has dedicated a lot of money to fielding more professional Kops.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A full-body tattoo is an exciting idea, but your busy schedule will require that 24 professional skin artists team up during the most painful lunch hour in history.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The rest of the judges will soon grow to hate your long pauses and the way you say "Weeellllll..." and drum your fingers on the dais before pronouncing sentence.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Overall, you led a pretty good life, unless you count the full-ensemble dance numbers that broke out every time you tried to talk to the opposite sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Before you take too much pride in earning the title of "Monroe, ID's Answer To William Tell," you should really find out more about the town they call the Eye Patch Capitol Of The West.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their damn money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Look at it this way: In some admittedly deviant cultures, blood on the ceiling is a sign you're doing something noteworthy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Not only will you be relegated to the status of historical footnote, but the histories involved are those of aluminum cookware and unreadable sestina poetry.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When all is said and done, you'll have proven that a tone-deaf man with a banjo and no need to sleep can make a difference in his community.

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