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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of January 5, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Skin irritation and the inability to sit will continue to plague you for as long as you continue to associate sexual release with mittens full of foaming cleanser.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They won't let you drive the actual Wienermobile, but driving your own vehicle made out of commercially available hot dogs is not a viable alternative.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside of your favorite stuffed animals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your future as a professional criminal seemed rosy when you moved to Keystone, but the city has dedicated a lot of money to fielding more professional Kops.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A full-body tattoo is an exciting idea, but your busy schedule will require that 24 professional skin artists team up during the most painful lunch hour in history.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The rest of the judges will soon grow to hate your long pauses and the way you say "Weeellllll..." and drum your fingers on the dais before pronouncing sentence.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Overall, you led a pretty good life, unless you count the full-ensemble dance numbers that broke out every time you tried to talk to the opposite sex.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Before you take too much pride in earning the title of "Monroe, ID's Answer To William Tell," you should really find out more about the town they call the Eye Patch Capitol Of The West.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their damn money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Look at it this way: In some admittedly deviant cultures, blood on the ceiling is a sign you're doing something noteworthy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Not only will you be relegated to the status of historical footnote, but the histories involved are those of aluminum cookware and unreadable sestina poetry.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When all is said and done, you'll have proven that a tone-deaf man with a banjo and no need to sleep can make a difference in his community.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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