Aries | March 21 to April 19
Skin irritation and the inability to sit will continue to plague you for as long as you continue to associate sexual release with mittens full of foaming cleanser.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
They won't let you drive the actual Wienermobile, but driving your own vehicle made out of commercially available hot dogs is not a viable alternative.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Perhaps your pets could be cuter, but that's no excuse for sewing them inside of your favorite stuffed animals.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your future as a professional criminal seemed rosy when you moved to Keystone, but the city has dedicated a lot of money to fielding more professional Kops.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A full-body tattoo is an exciting idea, but your busy schedule will require that 24 professional skin artists team up during the most painful lunch hour in history.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The rest of the judges will soon grow to hate your long pauses and the way you say "Weeellllll..." and drum your fingers on the dais before pronouncing sentence.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Overall, you led a pretty good life, unless you count the full-ensemble dance numbers that broke out every time you tried to talk to the opposite sex.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Before you take too much pride in earning the title of "Monroe, ID's Answer To William Tell," you should really find out more about the town they call the Eye Patch Capitol Of The West.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'd really like to know where the people who say, "another day, another dollar" are getting their damn money.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Look at it this way: In some admittedly deviant cultures, blood on the ceiling is a sign you're doing something noteworthy.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Not only will you be relegated to the status of historical footnote, but the histories involved are those of aluminum cookware and unreadable sestina poetry.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
When all is said and done, you'll have proven that a tone-deaf man with a banjo and no need to sleep can make a difference in his community.
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