Horoscope for the week of July 13, 2005

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Partying

Horoscope for the week of July 13, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your lover continues to insist you're giving mixed signals, despite the fact that you're standing on the bed naked while gesturing toward your genitals with air-traffic-control flashlights.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You never thought you'd be the type to have a big family, but upon awakening from your decade-long coma, you'll discover that the asylum doctors have begotten seven children on your defenseless body.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that the blood of kings flows in your veins, but the kings are those of Siding, and their reign is specific to Decatur.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a spectacular week for unusual physical feats of romance in the workplace, which might have something to do with your getting fired.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn rising in your sign this week doesn't mean you'll make a good lawyer, but your eloquent insistence on the fact will convince most everyone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll both make and ruin a ton of cash when you invent Wallet Bacon, the tasty, crispy bacon that cooks up in minutes in one's wallet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're never going to be named Miss Congeniality, but only because the title is so valued that a certain amount of wheeling and dealing has sullied the purity of the judging.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A feeling of increased personal freedom and greater privacy will wash over you this week when a heretofore unnoticed guy named Wally up and moves out of your apartment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Thousands of horseback-riding Mongols will trample you to death so quickly that you'll never learn why they were dragging the Goodyear blimp with tow ropes tied to their saddles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll agonize at length over being forced to choose between two beautiful women, giving them time to formulate and execute an escape plan.
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