Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.


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