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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.

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