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Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.

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