Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 28

Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear

CARY, NC—Arthur Hollis, 8, delivered a heartfelt apology to his favorite, most-special teddy bear, Raymond, after slapping him across the face and knocking him off the bed Monday. "I don't know why I do it, Raymond," Hollis said to the stuffed bear as he cradled it in his arms. "I'm very sorry. I'll never do it again, I promise." Hollis' father Daniel reported that his son has a history of domestic toy violence, harassment of the family cats, and wild outbursts after consuming too many gummi bears.

Noisy Upstairs Neighbors Wake Man At 3 P.M.

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—The inconsiderate residents of the apartment above Jim Bracker, 23, woke him from a sound slumber several minutes before 3 p.m. Monday. "Christ, quit with the aerobics already," a groggy Bracker shouted toward the ceiling. "You've been jumping up and down for half an hour!" Unable to return to sleep, Bracker resigned himself to channel-surfing until he was forced to drag himself into the shower and ready himself to meet a friend for a 5:15 p.m. movie.

Girl Slept With For Her Sake

TULSA, OK—University of Tulsa sophomore Ben Stoll was gracious enough to sleep with third-year law student Rosie Andriessen Monday. "Rosie had been acting insecure and needy all evening, so I figured I'd help her out a bit," said Stoll, who met Andriessen last year through common friends. "She probably thinks she's too chubby. It must be a big boost for her to have sex with a guy like me." Stoll decided not to call Andriessen the next day, nor to return any calls she might make, so as not to get her hopes up.

Does Iran Pose A Threat?

While Iran did free the British sailors it detained last month, the country is still threatening to restart its nuclear program. What do you think?

Why No One Want Make Hulk 2?

X2 come out last year. Spider-Man 2 come out last month. Both great sequels to great movies about Hulk friends. Hulk love great action movies about friends! People buy tickets. Make money for theaters, make money for movie company. Movie company make more movies with money. Already, they working on X-Men 3. Hulk movie come out last year. It success. It big popcorn movie with heart. So why no one want make Hulk 2? It make Hulk mad!
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Horoscope for the week of July 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.
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