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Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Frantic drivers will chase you around town for hours when a typo in the city charter mistakenly lists you as a free weekday parking spot.

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