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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Frantic drivers will chase you around town for hours when a typo in the city charter mistakenly lists you as a free weekday parking spot.

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