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Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Frantic drivers will chase you around town for hours when a typo in the city charter mistakenly lists you as a free weekday parking spot.

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