Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 27

Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From

CONCORDIA, MO—During a domestic-dispute case on Monday, Judge Peter Spiveck ruled that he could totally understand where 32-year-old defendant Samuel Werton was coming from. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying," said Spiveck, moments before handing down a sentence. "If my old lady stayed out drinking until 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd be tempted to run her over with the Dodge myself. But, dude, you can't do that. You've got to learn to keep it under control, see." Spiveck then warmly patted Werton on the shoulder and sentenced him to 90 days in the Lafayette County Lockup.

Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain

NEW YORK—While pulling a late-nighter at the office, Verizon Communications CEO Ivan Seidenberg repeatedly called out for coffee Tuesday despite being the only person in the building. "Would somebody please bring me some coffee?" shouted Seidenberg from his desk at approximately 11:30 p.m. "I need a cup of coffee—with two sugars. Dolores? Janice? Coffee?" Seidenberg alternated his requests for coffee with announcements that printer tray number two was out of paper.

Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe

CHUGWATER, WY—In light of their recent antagonistic correspondence, 8-year-old Ryan Werther has decided that 7-year-old Trenton, NJ, resident Dashiell Kudia has changed from his pen pal to his pen foe. "You wer [sic] so wrong when you said the Fairly Oddparents are as good as Spongebob," Kudia penned in a letter Werther received Monday. "You can go jump off a brij [sic] for all I care because you are no longer my friend." Kudia's letter ended with a tersely written "So there."

Kraft Goes On A Diet

Kraft Foods recently announced it will join the fught against obesity by cutting portion sizes and altering recipes of many its top products. What other changes is the company planning?

Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas pledged to share a two-state Israeli and Palestinian headline Monday.

A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

Item! Are you "2" pumped to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Frontal? In light of all the super-duds in this blockbuster summer, I sure was. I needed a dose of Drew Barrymore more than ever, with the one-two punch of Lucy Loo and the beautiful but deadly Carmen Diaz. And, just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I got Moore... Demi Moore! Let me tell you, she kicked "2" much butt all over the screen.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Customer Service

Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Frantic drivers will chase you around town for hours when a typo in the city charter mistakenly lists you as a free weekday parking spot.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More