Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will relinquish your title as president of acquisitions and finance after being forced to admit you're just the assistant office manager.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally be able to build the home you've always dreamed of now that you have enough blankets and couch cushions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: It won't be the worst of your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't understand what people tell you about getting along with others, but that's okay. You don't want to.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Engineers will soon restore power and water to your area, so you'll have hours of hard sledgehammer work ahead of you to get it back the way you like it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love may mean different things to different people, but you know that it usually means free meals for someone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Frantic drivers will chase you around town for hours when a typo in the city charter mistakenly lists you as a free weekday parking spot.
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