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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Horoscope for the week of July 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Since you've been searching for its meaning for years and are no closer to finding the answer, the stars will help you: It's Spanish for "the crazy life."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The old adage, "If you fall, get right back up on the horse," is sound enough advice, but it assumes you own the horse and that you weren't knocked off by a Medieval Times employee.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You just haven't been able to shake the feeling that you'd be a whole lot better off if you were A.J. Foyt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your desire always to have the last word will prove excruciating next week while singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you do everything you can do to save the girl's life, the only thing you can do is juggle and do a few simple card tricks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Someday, you'll look back on all of this and laugh very, very bitterly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be exposed to the most rocking music ever, but due to your unrockable nature, you will remain profoundly unrocked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars were going to shout, "Look out! Behind you!" but you probably wouldn't fall for that old trick. Even though there really is a guy with a gun there.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though juries are supposed to look for probable cause before finding a defendant guilty, yours will decide to sink you for being such a fatso.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The universal variation from one person to the next may be broad and deep, but, somehow, everyone in your family always winds up being lawyers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Oh, and be careful of that tricky first step. It isn't there.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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