Horoscope for the week of July 17, 2002

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 25

Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint

CLEVELAND— Sherwin-Williams officials announced Monday that the company is nearing the midpoint of its 112-year project to cover the Earth in a coat of bright red paint. "We're proud to announce that the entire Northern Hemisphere should be slathered 10 feet deep in candy-apple red Latex Semi-Gloss by year's end," Sherwin-Williams CEO Christopher Connor said. "And we are fully confident that the rest of the globe can be completed well before the giant space bucket runs out of paint." For the more difficult second-phase painting of the Earth's underside, workmen equipped with spray hoses will be suspended by cables from the equator.

Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game

DOWNERS GROVE, IL— With hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, Ted Cleamons, 36, forced his exhausted 8-year-old son Andy to stay up late Monday to finish their Monopoly game. "Come on, kiddo, it shouldn't be too much longer," Ted told a bleary-eyed Andy at 11:15 p.m., just past the game's three-hour mark. "Go again, you rolled doubles."

Missing White Girl Drives Missing Black Girl From Headlines

CORVALLIS, OR— Becky Van Gelder, an 11-year-old white girl from Corvallis, was abducted from her home Monday, bumping 10-year-old Chicago black girl Tyesha Washington from the nation's newspaper headlines. "When a child is harmed, we all lose a small piece of our collective innocence," said USA Today managing editor Donna McCutcheon, who moved the Washington abduction to page 23A to make room for Van Gelder on the cover. "Especially when it's a young blonde girl like Becky."

Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL— His nerves shot, Tel Aviv bus driver Yehuda Ben-Zvi said Monday that he wants a "really big" raise. "I'm sorry, but 20 lousy sheqels an hour to drive a bus in this country just doesn't cut it," said Ben-Zvi, 44, nervously scanning each person boarding his bus. "If they don't up me to at least 100 [sheqels] an hour, I'm outta here." Added Ben-Zvi: "Shit, it's not like I've got some deep commitment to providing public transportation. People can walk."

Executing The Mentally Retarded

The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment," violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Horoscope for the week of July 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Since you've been searching for its meaning for years and are no closer to finding the answer, the stars will help you: It's Spanish for "the crazy life."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The old adage, "If you fall, get right back up on the horse," is sound enough advice, but it assumes you own the horse and that you weren't knocked off by a Medieval Times employee.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You just haven't been able to shake the feeling that you'd be a whole lot better off if you were A.J. Foyt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your desire always to have the last word will prove excruciating next week while singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Though you do everything you can do to save the girl's life, the only thing you can do is juggle and do a few simple card tricks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Someday, you'll look back on all of this and laugh very, very bitterly.
  • Libra

    Libra

    By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will soon be exposed to the most rocking music ever, but due to your unrockable nature, you will remain profoundly unrocked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars were going to shout, "Look out! Behind you!" but you probably wouldn't fall for that old trick. Even though there really is a guy with a gun there.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Though juries are supposed to look for probable cause before finding a defendant guilty, yours will decide to sink you for being such a fatso.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The universal variation from one person to the next may be broad and deep, but, somehow, everyone in your family always winds up being lawyers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Oh, and be careful of that tricky first step. It isn't there.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More