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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of July 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Since you've been searching for its meaning for years and are no closer to finding the answer, the stars will help you: It's Spanish for "the crazy life."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The old adage, "If you fall, get right back up on the horse," is sound enough advice, but it assumes you own the horse and that you weren't knocked off by a Medieval Times employee.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You just haven't been able to shake the feeling that you'd be a whole lot better off if you were A.J. Foyt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your desire always to have the last word will prove excruciating next week while singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you do everything you can do to save the girl's life, the only thing you can do is juggle and do a few simple card tricks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Someday, you'll look back on all of this and laugh very, very bitterly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be exposed to the most rocking music ever, but due to your unrockable nature, you will remain profoundly unrocked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars were going to shout, "Look out! Behind you!" but you probably wouldn't fall for that old trick. Even though there really is a guy with a gun there.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though juries are supposed to look for probable cause before finding a defendant guilty, yours will decide to sink you for being such a fatso.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The universal variation from one person to the next may be broad and deep, but, somehow, everyone in your family always winds up being lawyers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Oh, and be careful of that tricky first step. It isn't there.

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