Horoscope for the week of July 17, 2002

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of July 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Since you've been searching for its meaning for years and are no closer to finding the answer, the stars will help you: It's Spanish for "the crazy life."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The old adage, "If you fall, get right back up on the horse," is sound enough advice, but it assumes you own the horse and that you weren't knocked off by a Medieval Times employee.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You just haven't been able to shake the feeling that you'd be a whole lot better off if you were A.J. Foyt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your desire always to have the last word will prove excruciating next week while singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you do everything you can do to save the girl's life, the only thing you can do is juggle and do a few simple card tricks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Someday, you'll look back on all of this and laugh very, very bitterly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be exposed to the most rocking music ever, but due to your unrockable nature, you will remain profoundly unrocked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars were going to shout, "Look out! Behind you!" but you probably wouldn't fall for that old trick. Even though there really is a guy with a gun there.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though juries are supposed to look for probable cause before finding a defendant guilty, yours will decide to sink you for being such a fatso.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The universal variation from one person to the next may be broad and deep, but, somehow, everyone in your family always winds up being lawyers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Oh, and be careful of that tricky first step. It isn't there.