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Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If string theory is right about the structure of our universe, then all three spatial dimensions are circular. Just like all three of your spatial dimensions, tubbo!
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can only hope that history will recognize that you had to destroy the cream pie in order to save it in two different sized Cool Whip containers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should tell your lover how much you dislike the sweater she bought you. This will help ensure that she won't bury you in it next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You still aren't sure what Keats meant when he called Milton "Chief of organic numbers! / Old scholar of the spheres!" after seeing a single lock of his hair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Ballet dancing will ruin your feet by the time you're 35, even though you've never danced and are, in fact, a line cook.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The unstoppable machinery of fate has set in motion irreversible events which shall inexorably lead to your acquisition of an unwanted nickname.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You knew your new boyfriend was high-maintenance, but you didn't think you'd have to do all the feeding and wiping yourself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tragic events of next Thursday will finally teach you that there aren't any good pranks you can pull using a kidney-dialysis machine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that this is a good week for your love lifeñeven in the Southern Hemisphere, where different stars are visible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that a journey through the nine circles of hell is a good concept for an epic poem, but not for a restaurant.

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