Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 24

Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library

CHICAGO–Street-smart teen Larry Witherspoon was found dead Monday at the Michigan Avenue branch of the Chicago Public Library, his urban know-how useless to him in the unfamiliar environment. "Unfortunately, the skills Larry had developed on the mean streets of Chicago's South Side did him no good in a place like this," librarian Mary Ross said. "Hypothetically, he could have located a book on library survival skills, had he known what the Dewey Decimal system was and how to use it."

Dodgers' Playoff Hopes Dashed Following Acquisition Of Belly Itcher

LOS ANGELES–Trailing the first-place Arizona Diamondbacks by three games in the National League West, the Los Angeles Dodgers dealt their own playoff chances a major blow Monday when they acquired belly itcher Shane Lesko from the Montreal Expos. "They're done for," said an unnamed NL general manager following the deal. "The Dodgers could have put themselves in terrific position for the stretch run by signing one more pitcher, but instead, they go and sign this guy." The general manager called it the worst move since the New York Mets' June 10 trade of pitcher John Franco to the Houston Astros for a glass of water.

The Missing Intern

Four months after her disappearance, the search continues for Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who had an affair with Rep. Gary Condit (D-CA). What do you think?

The New Planet Of The Apes

Hitting theaters July 27, Planet Of The Apes, Tim Burton's update of the 1968 classic, is generating major buzz. What are people saying about the new film?

U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay

WASHINGTON, DC–Explaining that it is still a relatively young nation and not ready for a permanent trade partner, the U.S. announced Monday that it plans to slow down its relationship with Uruguay. "Don't get me wrong, Uruguay is great," President Bush said. "It's just that things have been moving along a little too quickly ever since we signed that bilateral tariff-reduction pact in March. They were always calling up about a treaty or an aid package and, well, it just got to be a little too much." Bush said the U.S. would love to remain "just allies" with Uruguay while pursuing relations with other nations.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    If string theory is right about the structure of our universe, then all three spatial dimensions are circular. Just like all three of your spatial dimensions, tubbo!
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You can only hope that history will recognize that you had to destroy the cream pie in order to save it in two different sized Cool Whip containers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You should tell your lover how much you dislike the sweater she bought you. This will help ensure that she won't bury you in it next week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You still aren't sure what Keats meant when he called Milton "Chief of organic numbers! / Old scholar of the spheres!" after seeing a single lock of his hair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Ballet dancing will ruin your feet by the time you're 35, even though you've never danced and are, in fact, a line cook.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The unstoppable machinery of fate has set in motion irreversible events which shall inexorably lead to your acquisition of an unwanted nickname.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You knew your new boyfriend was high-maintenance, but you didn't think you'd have to do all the feeding and wiping yourself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The tragic events of next Thursday will finally teach you that there aren't any good pranks you can pull using a kidney-dialysis machine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars indicate that this is a good week for your love lifeñeven in the Southern Hemisphere, where different stars are visible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It turns out that a journey through the nine circles of hell is a good concept for an epic poem, but not for a restaurant.
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