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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If string theory is right about the structure of our universe, then all three spatial dimensions are circular. Just like all three of your spatial dimensions, tubbo!
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can only hope that history will recognize that you had to destroy the cream pie in order to save it in two different sized Cool Whip containers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should tell your lover how much you dislike the sweater she bought you. This will help ensure that she won't bury you in it next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You still aren't sure what Keats meant when he called Milton "Chief of organic numbers! / Old scholar of the spheres!" after seeing a single lock of his hair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Ballet dancing will ruin your feet by the time you're 35, even though you've never danced and are, in fact, a line cook.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The unstoppable machinery of fate has set in motion irreversible events which shall inexorably lead to your acquisition of an unwanted nickname.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You knew your new boyfriend was high-maintenance, but you didn't think you'd have to do all the feeding and wiping yourself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tragic events of next Thursday will finally teach you that there aren't any good pranks you can pull using a kidney-dialysis machine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that this is a good week for your love lifeñeven in the Southern Hemisphere, where different stars are visible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that a journey through the nine circles of hell is a good concept for an epic poem, but not for a restaurant.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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