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Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If string theory is right about the structure of our universe, then all three spatial dimensions are circular. Just like all three of your spatial dimensions, tubbo!
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can only hope that history will recognize that you had to destroy the cream pie in order to save it in two different sized Cool Whip containers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should tell your lover how much you dislike the sweater she bought you. This will help ensure that she won't bury you in it next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You still aren't sure what Keats meant when he called Milton "Chief of organic numbers! / Old scholar of the spheres!" after seeing a single lock of his hair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Ballet dancing will ruin your feet by the time you're 35, even though you've never danced and are, in fact, a line cook.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The unstoppable machinery of fate has set in motion irreversible events which shall inexorably lead to your acquisition of an unwanted nickname.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You knew your new boyfriend was high-maintenance, but you didn't think you'd have to do all the feeding and wiping yourself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tragic events of next Thursday will finally teach you that there aren't any good pranks you can pull using a kidney-dialysis machine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that this is a good week for your love lifeñeven in the Southern Hemisphere, where different stars are visible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that a journey through the nine circles of hell is a good concept for an epic poem, but not for a restaurant.

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