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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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