Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.