Aries | March 21 to April 19
Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.
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