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Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.

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