Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Sleep

Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.