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Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you often dismiss it as "only a game," you really ought to take your job as a liquid-petroleum fuel-truck driver a little more seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know what? Gemini is starting to think there was something, well, funny about Paul Lynde.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Loosen the tourniquet every 10 minutes, or you may lose the arm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-term career plans hit a few snags when it turns out the Internet economy has reached saturation, and voodoo doesn't work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would like you to know that, though the temperature has really been up there lately, they sure didn't order this heat!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's slowly beginning to dawn on you that the best minds of today can't help you if you remove them from their skulls.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in Heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you don't do something to revitalize your career soon, people will only remember you as "that rapper guy from the BluBlockers ad."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your boast that you can "lick any man in the house" backfires when it turns out that "lick" also means "beat up."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will awake from a horrible nightmare in which you lived in a racially and economically divided caste-based society.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Please try to understand that your family would have had no objections to your keeping the baby had it lived.

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