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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will remember with bitterness the days when all you wanted were good seats at the airshow.
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