Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will remember with bitterness the days when all you wanted were good seats at the airshow.