Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will remember with bitterness the days when all you wanted were good seats at the airshow.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION