Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will remember with bitterness the days when all you wanted were good seats at the airshow.