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Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 2, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life's accomplishments will greatly enrich the human race, but 100 years from now, you'll mostly be judged by the crappy font on your tombstone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your popularity skyrockets next week when you're smothered in barbecue sauce and bacon and offered as a Southwest Rodeo Whopper at Burger King.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll finally get around to the important and long-delayed business of calling that toll-free number right now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be indicted on seven counts of outsider trading this week. It's not a crime, but the SEC just wanted to see you sweat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The dread specter of your own mortality will loom over you all month, but you'll be so busy remodeling your kitchen that you'll hardly notice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll once again avoid becoming a household name this week, except in the more perverted households.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've often compared your tribulation-filled life to that of Job, but as you'll soon discover, God gave a much better speech to him.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Rough times lie ahead of you in the financial and personal arenas when you're suddenly cut from 50 Cent's entourage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No amount of money can solve your current problems, which is really odd because they're mostly hunger-, shelter- , and food-related.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will remember with bitterness the days when all you wanted were good seats at the airshow.

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