Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 29

Space Shuttle Delay

Last week, the scheduled launch of the space shuttle Discovery was aborted two hours before liftoff. What caused the delay?

Anonymous Source: 'I'm A Cowardly Snitch'

NEW YORK—An unidentified lawyer and lobbyist revealed Monday that a "sniveling yellow streak" led him to anonymously divulge U.S. State Department misconduct. "I am a blubbering cream puff with no guts whatsoever," said the source, 44, who wished to remain anonymous. "People should know what officials are doing, but I'm a big baby, and I can't risk my job or reputation by revealing my identity." The source spoke to reporters in a dark parking garage, then disappeared into the blackness.

Parasites Just Getting The Hang Of How Host Does Things

MACON, GA—Tapeworms recently introduced into Susan Rabidovitch's digestive tract will need time to get acclimated to their new environment, insiders reported Monday. "They just got set up with Susan, so now they're hanging out, getting a feel for what she likes to eat and when," Dr. Matthew Hyam said. "Soon, they'll jibe with Susan's taste for Indian food and come to expect her late-night Chunky Monkey binges, but for now, they're just gorging themselves while they learn what makes their new host tick." Hyam explained that the parasites may need a 10-week "getting to know Susan" period before beginning to release their full capacity of 50,000 eggs per day into her small intestine.

Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Sources close to 58-year-old Samuel Rahal, a commercial fishing-boat captain who lost his right leg in a great-white-whale attack last March, announced Monday that he has put the incident behind him and is getting on with his life. "The first to guess the score of next Tuesday's Red Sox game gets this golden coin!" Rahal told his crew as he nailed a Sacagawea dollar to the cabin of his trawler. "Now, let's get this boat full of haddock so we can call it an early day." Rahal said he plans to replace his custom-made whalebone prosthesis with an OrthoPro with flex-foot and hydraulic knee.

Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To 'The Few'

WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recruiting shortfalls, a near standstill in re-enlistment, and rock-bottom troop morale, U.S. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Michael Hagee announced Monday that the Marines will alter their unofficial slogan, abbreviating it to the more accurate "The Few." Hagee said, "We are still the Marines, the premier combat arm of the U.S. military." The Marines will also change their motto to Semper Fidelis, Sic Non Sapienti, or "Always Faithful, But This Is Just Ridiculous."

Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

FLORENCE, AZ—James "Jimbo" Creasey, 38, a death-row inmate at Arizona State Prison Complex-Florence, said Monday that he "feels pretty lousy" about wasting his most recent stay of execution, granted April 12.

Hospital Infections

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?

Local Company Moves Production Underseas

NEWARK, NJ—In an effort to revitalize the company after years of stagnant profits, BakeCo Inc., makers of Good Twist Pretzels and Fluffy Brand Cream Cakes, announced plans Monday to move their Newark-based production facility underseas.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop another."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You take a lot of pride in what you are, which is at once rather noble, fairly self-destructive, and just ludicrous on the face of it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You hold advanced degrees in mathematics and physics, collect Renaissance bronzes, and have an especial penchant for chamber music, but a leading deodorant company insists you're a "Mitchum Man."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Scientists will have completed a map of the universe within 25 years, making life hell for you and other lovers of ambiguity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    For the next year, you'll be haunted by the sickly, ghostly, jolly specter of those 110 pounds you had surgically excised in May.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your soft life is destroyed with the exposure of your false birth certificate, forcing you out from under the shelter of child-labor laws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Being blonde, healthy, and blue-eyed comes in handy yet again this week when the government unveils its new program of National Socialized Medicine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A little superstition never hurt anyone, but it's becoming a real pain for everyone to accommodate your lucky full-sized replica of Michelangelo's David.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    If there's one problem with your get-rich-quick scheme, it's probably that one that the police, the Mafia, and the Treasury Department all used to track you down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You thought you'd gotten past that incident last winter when you T-boned that bus, but the world's buses have pledged to avenge their fallen comrade sevenfold.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your attempt to make the most
    romantic marriage proposal in history backfires when it rains unexpectedly, the gondola catches fire, and the bear forgets its training and reverts to man-eating.
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