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Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop another."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You take a lot of pride in what you are, which is at once rather noble, fairly self-destructive, and just ludicrous on the face of it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You hold advanced degrees in mathematics and physics, collect Renaissance bronzes, and have an especial penchant for chamber music, but a leading deodorant company insists you're a "Mitchum Man."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Scientists will have completed a map of the universe within 25 years, making life hell for you and other lovers of ambiguity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    For the next year, you'll be haunted by the sickly, ghostly, jolly specter of those 110 pounds you had surgically excised in May.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your soft life is destroyed with the exposure of your false birth certificate, forcing you out from under the shelter of child-labor laws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Being blonde, healthy, and blue-eyed comes in handy yet again this week when the government unveils its new program of National Socialized Medicine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A little superstition never hurt anyone, but it's becoming a real pain for everyone to accommodate your lucky full-sized replica of Michelangelo's David.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    If there's one problem with your get-rich-quick scheme, it's probably that one that the police, the Mafia, and the Treasury Department all used to track you down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd gotten past that incident last winter when you T-boned that bus, but the world's buses have pledged to avenge their fallen comrade sevenfold.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your attempt to make the most
    romantic marriage proposal in history backfires when it rains unexpectedly, the gondola catches fire, and the bear forgets its training and reverts to man-eating.

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