Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

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Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop another."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You take a lot of pride in what you are, which is at once rather noble, fairly self-destructive, and just ludicrous on the face of it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You hold advanced degrees in mathematics and physics, collect Renaissance bronzes, and have an especial penchant for chamber music, but a leading deodorant company insists you're a "Mitchum Man."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Scientists will have completed a map of the universe within 25 years, making life hell for you and other lovers of ambiguity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    For the next year, you'll be haunted by the sickly, ghostly, jolly specter of those 110 pounds you had surgically excised in May.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your soft life is destroyed with the exposure of your false birth certificate, forcing you out from under the shelter of child-labor laws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Being blonde, healthy, and blue-eyed comes in handy yet again this week when the government unveils its new program of National Socialized Medicine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A little superstition never hurt anyone, but it's becoming a real pain for everyone to accommodate your lucky full-sized replica of Michelangelo's David.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    If there's one problem with your get-rich-quick scheme, it's probably that one that the police, the Mafia, and the Treasury Department all used to track you down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd gotten past that incident last winter when you T-boned that bus, but the world's buses have pledged to avenge their fallen comrade sevenfold.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your attempt to make the most
    romantic marriage proposal in history backfires when it rains unexpectedly, the gondola catches fire, and the bear forgets its training and reverts to man-eating.