Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

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Recent News

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop another."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You take a lot of pride in what you are, which is at once rather noble, fairly self-destructive, and just ludicrous on the face of it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You hold advanced degrees in mathematics and physics, collect Renaissance bronzes, and have an especial penchant for chamber music, but a leading deodorant company insists you're a "Mitchum Man."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will continue unchanged for six of the next seven days. The other one will feature lots of upset bison.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Scientists will have completed a map of the universe within 25 years, making life hell for you and other lovers of ambiguity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    For the next year, you'll be haunted by the sickly, ghostly, jolly specter of those 110 pounds you had surgically excised in May.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your soft life is destroyed with the exposure of your false birth certificate, forcing you out from under the shelter of child-labor laws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Being blonde, healthy, and blue-eyed comes in handy yet again this week when the government unveils its new program of National Socialized Medicine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A little superstition never hurt anyone, but it's becoming a real pain for everyone to accommodate your lucky full-sized replica of Michelangelo's David.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    If there's one problem with your get-rich-quick scheme, it's probably that one that the police, the Mafia, and the Treasury Department all used to track you down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd gotten past that incident last winter when you T-boned that bus, but the world's buses have pledged to avenge their fallen comrade sevenfold.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your attempt to make the most
    romantic marriage proposal in history backfires when it rains unexpectedly, the gondola catches fire, and the bear forgets its training and reverts to man-eating.
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