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Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.

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