Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION