Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.