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Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.

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