Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 29

Some Sense Knocked Into Girlfriend's Son

ENOCHVILLE, NC—Stu Ayden knocked some sense into the thick skull of 9-year-old Jesse Wilkerson Monday night. "Since Jesse's real father is not around, it is sometimes necessary for another man, in this case Ayden, to step in as a male parent surrogate," said Dr. Frank Gillette, a child psychologist. "Jesse spilled half a glass of Hi-C fruit punch on the carpet of Ayden's mobile home, so as Jesse's mother's boyfriend, it was his responsibility to answer the behavior with a thorough ass-beating." When questioned by reporters, Ayden said he is glad to serve as Jesse's caretaker so long as his mama keeps payin' the rent.

Garroting Survivors Call For Wire Ban

WASHINGTON, DC—The nation's garroting survivors demonstrated outside the Capitol Monday, raising a hoarse but plaintive cry for a nationwide ban on potentially lethal wire. "Every year, dozens of people are severely injured or even killed by garroting," croaked Gerald Michaels, who still bears a necklace of scars from a 1997 telephone-cord-assisted mugging that nearly claimed his life. "This legacy of shame will continue until we eliminate the lethal wires that run through our homes, above our streets, and through our very way of life." Michaels recently accepted a $2 million grant from a coalition of sponsors that included Bluetooth and Cingular Wireless.

Area Man Bored With All The Porn He Owns

BREAUX BRIDGE, LA—Gil Peterson has grown tired of his current collection of sexually explicit videotapes, DVDs, and magazines, the 44-year-old delivery-truck driver said Monday. "I tried to rewatch Butt Fuck Sluts Go Nuts again, but it was so boring," Peterson said. "I mean, how many times can you watch the same set of twins double-team the black guy on the back of a motorcycle?" Peterson said he will have one more look at the tape, but can't promise he'll achieve orgasm.

Work Friends Calling Bill 'William'

BENBROOK, TX—Close friends and neighbors attending the backyard barbecue of Bill Hunkins were surprised to hear the host's coworkers call him "William," attendees reported Monday. "All these people kept saying, 'Mmm, this is delicious, William' and 'Hand me a beer, William,'" Hunkin's friend Bryan Koppe said. "It was so bizarre. Why weren't they calling him by his name? Were they trying to give him shit or something?" Koppe added that Hunkins once spent a semester answering to the nickname "El Pudd."

White House Declares War On DSL Provider

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration is awaiting congressional approval for an official act of war against high-speed DSL service provider Qwest, White House officials confirmed Tuesday. "After two weeks of trying to peaceably resolve our differences with Qwest, we have decided that this poor customer service will not stand," Bush said in a televised address. "I waited in the Oval Office all day for the technician to show up, and then, when I called them to find out where he was, I was transferred to another phone rep and got disconnected. We will begin bombarding them with tersely worded e-mails as early as next week." This marks the third time Bush has declared war this month, following conflicts with DIRECTV and the Potomac Electric Power Company.

Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

Researchers recently said that the chimpanzee, hunted for meat and threatened by deforestation, could be extinct in 50 years. What do you think?

You Mean I Could Get Paid For Writing Commercial Jingles?

Slow down, Scooter. If I'm hearing you right, you're telling me I should quit my data-entry job and take up full-time what I've always done for fun? You're really telling me to pursue my hobby as a means of income? I don't believe it. You mean I could get paid for writing catchy 10- to 30-second jingles about local and national consumer products and services?
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Horoscope for the week of July 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars know it's hurricane season throughout the coastal regions, but the mounting waves of bear attacks should provide some variety.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You thought your new sportscar could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A nice gesture will go terribly awry this Sunday, when wearing a suit and tie for once does kill you after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're tired of people accusing you of throwing money at your problems. Luckily, these people can usually be bribed to shut up.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A friend who always astounds you with her lousy taste in men will blow you away with her execrable taste in names for quadruplets.
  • Libra

    Libra

    No one will characterize your efforts as above and beyond the call of duty. For God's sake, you just did the dishes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Michael Jordan said that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, which is apparently supposed to inspire you to great feats in real-estate sales.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Wearing roller skates everywhere you go may have been a cute eccentricity during your residency, but you're a doctor now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll be an inspiration to the downtrodden millions, but in a way that will see dozens of cities in flames by the end of this century.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.
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