Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

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Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Preparedness

Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.