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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.

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