Aries | March 21 to April 19
In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.
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