adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close