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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon be forced to admit that achieving fluency in Klingon was a complete and utter waste of time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Something strange is in the air for Gemini. Pack your nose full of pure, activated charcoal, an extremely efficient filter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In his upcoming tell-all book, Smokey The Bear will reveal that you are actually the only person who can prevent forest fires.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After identifying, classifying and thoroughly describing almost 600 species of plants, you realize that you have merely duplicated the work of Theophrastus (372-287 B.C.), the father of botany.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will ask the Supreme Being to show you the secret of life, but He will only rub His thumb and forefinger together while pretending not to hear you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be exiled from the academic community when you present a paper that dares to theorize that shit might not, in fact, happen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In a conspiratorial move designed to make you feel old and lonely, all your friends will suddenly get married and start families next week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Love magick is strong in Capricorn this week. However, you can pretty much ignore this fact.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The polite, well-dressed people who ring your doorbell and ask to come in and talk to you about pancakes turn out to be Jemima’s Witnesses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A strange and untrustworthy person will claim to be able to tell your future by looking at the night sky.

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