Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.


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