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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.

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