Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.
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