Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.
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