Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 25

Lookalike Couple Vaguely Disquieting

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Friends and family of Russell Tonelli are expressing a "creepy sort of unease" at the distinct visual similarities between the 33-year-old Grand Rapids file clerk and his new girlfriend, Elizabeth Brecht, sources reported Tuesday. "It's really weird how similar they look," said co-worker Isaac Richards. "Elizabeth even cut off her long hair last week, making it even worse. That's just plain disturbing."

God Provides Gift To Women In Form Of Marketing Analyst Bradley Ennis

ARLINGTON, TX—Women everywhere have been blessed from on high with the existence of Bradley Ennis, it was reported Monday. "God, in His infinite wisdom and love for all the women of the world, has sent me to Earth, that I may rock the worlds of all the bee-you-tiful la-dies," the single, 27-year-old sales consultant said. Though not confirmed, it is believed that no woman has yet accepted the Divine gift of Ennis of Arlington.

Twelve More Pie-Fucking Movies In The Works

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Responding to the box-office success of American Pie, Hollywood studios are prepping at least a dozen films revolving around coupling with pies, Daily Variety reported Monday. "The American people have voted with their dollars, and we must heed the call," said Paramount executive Hollis James. "Look for the outrageous Boston Cream in Summer 2001, featuring Denis Leary as a screwball waiter with a most unusual 'taste' in sex." In addition to Cream, United Artists is in preproduction on the coming-of-age pie-fucking film I'll Take The Cherry, 20th Century Fox is negotiating with David Arquette to star in Master Baker as "a pastry chef with a secret ingredient you won't believe," and Jeff Daniels has signed with New Line to play a televangelist dethroned by a pie-fucking scandal in Jizzes H. Crust! New Line is also interviewing directors for Nobody Does It Like Sara Lee, in which Steve Guttenberg performs cunnilingus on a raspberry torte.

'You Got It™' Trademarked

NEW YORK—Another conversational phrase was removed from the public domain Monday, when Tricon Global Restaurants announced that it has trademarked "You Got It™." The popular catchphrase, which will be used in an upcoming ad campaign for Tricon subsidiary Pizza Hut, joins such trademarked slogans as General Motors' "Let's Go™," ABC's "Watch It!™" and Morton's "Please Pass The Salt." "We are pleased to have acquired the exclusive legal rights to 'You Got It™,'" said Tricon marketing director Jack Prysock. "With more than 20 different delicious toppings and eight different hot and fresh pan-style pizzas, Pizza Hut is truly the place where you, the customer, have 'got it™'." Individuals found employing the phrase 'You Got It™,' except for those receiving express written consent from Tricon Global Restaurants and intending to use the phrase to make specific, one-time reference to the high quality of food and service at Pizza Hut, will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.

I Am Lost In My Mansion

I was awakened suddenly this morning by the terrible sound of metal grating upon metal. When I opened my eyes, I was treated to the nightmarish countenance of Nurse Pin-head, who, brandishing a steam-fitter's wrench, was busy unbolting the great collar which holds me fast to my iron-lung.

eBay? hOoray!

Boy, if you'd told me I'd be getting a Mrs. Beasley doll in the mail this year, I would have called you crazy. But it happened to me just yesterday! And here's how!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film Porky's.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will wake up next Sunday to find yourself president following the mysterious death of everyone else in America.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your local arts center has a lovely quilting display. Give it $100 million.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The sudden appearance of all the planets in your sign indicates that Leo is trying to impress TV's Jack Horkheimer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    An exciting promotion is in Virgo's future. It will probably involve two-for-one soft drinks with any fill-up at Shell.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will soon receive tangible proof of a government conspiracy designed to stop you from robbing banks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A thorough X-ray examination of your bones will determine that you are not, in fact, "bad" to them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be found incapable of human love this week. Of course, this will have no impact on your longtime practice of monkey love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars say you're one wishy-washy son of a bitch. That's not based on their positions or anything but, you know, they just talk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be finished as an air-traffic controller when it is discovered you have no idea how airplanes are supposed to act.
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