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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.

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