Aries | March 21 to April 19
It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.
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