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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.
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