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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.

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