Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.