adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have smaller breasts than you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your efforts to realize your dreams, you will overbid on The Price Is Right Showcase Showdown by two dollars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will die of shame when the person in USA Today's so-called "explicit sex photos" of you turns out to be Roc star Charles Dutton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Taking your golf pro's backswing advice will also greatly improve your wife-beating technique.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars reveal that you will soon have the one thing you've always wanted. It probably won't happen, though, because astrology is a bunch of made-up nonsense.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a six-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The only thing you have to fear this week is the men with the hammers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Turn your children into an asset. Sell them to the Sultan of Brunei.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be crowned King of Calypso and spend the rest of your life trying to learn to play the steel drums.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has retired after centuries of faithful service. Your star sign is now Beck, the super-groovy wunderkind.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close