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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This week will be a series of excruciatingly painful metaphorical and physical low blows for you.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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