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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This week will be a series of excruciatingly painful metaphorical and physical low blows for you.

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