Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 28

Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders and members of the media expressed concern Monday that President Bush has not been heard from for nearly five weeks. "I hope he's okay," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "It's just like him to go off on a fishing trip to Alaska or something and not tell anyone. Which is fine. I mean, he's the president and can do what he wants and all that, but we kind of need to wrap up this whole Liberia thing we started." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted that he was unclear about the president's whereabouts, but figured he must be "off somewhere busy with something."

Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference announcing the replacement of Norman Mineta, vivacious new Secretary of Transportation Kyla Damon unveiled plans Tuesday to "shake up" U.S. highways. "You think you've seen negotiation and implementation of international transportation agreements and the issuance of regulations to prevent alcohol and illegal-drug misuse in U.S. transportation systems?" Damon said. "Well, think again!" Damon added that her first order of business would be to "say so long to that dusty old fossil known as the Federal Highway Administration."

Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Local record-store clerk Greg Oertel, 23, seems inordinately proud that he never wears underwear, Oertel's coworkers told reporters Tuesday. "I've heard Greg mention about 10 times that he never wears underwear," coworker Jake Hannah said. "He acts like he doesn't care what we think about it, but I'm beginning to suspect he does." According to his friends, Oertel insists that he gets hot when he wears underwear, so he "just doesn't bother," and that "it's no big deal." 

Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Nearly one year after a car accident claimed the life of wife Sarah, Lloyd Monreal still misses having sex with her "more than I can say," the 44-year-old reported Tuesday. "Even now, every room in the house reminds me of the times we had sex in it," Monreal said, fighting back tears. "I don't care if 40 years go by. I'll never forget her breasts, her ass, those thighs." In honor of the anniversary, Monreal will eat a quiet dinner at home, after which he will take out a box of old photographs and perform a one-hour masturbation vigil by candlelight.

Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For Possible Good Morning America Interview

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is reportedly bracing himself for a possible interview on Good Morning America. "God, Charles Gibson, that chubby weatherman with the wisecracks," a sweat- and urine-soaked Prichard said. "I pray Diane Sawyer doesn't ask me if I wanted to climb the Point 'because it was there.' I just would not be able to stomach that kind of inane chit-chat." Prichard then passed out from the intense pain. 

Troops To Stay In Iraq

U.S. military officials recently announced that thousands of soldiers will remain in Iraq for longer than previously stated. What do you think?

In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself

The younger women come to me nearly every day and ask, "Traci, what is your secret? How are you so successful, while I struggle every day just to make ends meet?" I smile, because I used to be like them: insecure and afraid. That was before I developed my patented Three-Point Plan™, the only sure-fire path to spectacular success. It starts with one simple lesson: In sex sales, what you're really selling is yourself.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    This week will be a series of excruciatingly painful metaphorical and physical low blows for you.
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