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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of July 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will pass away next week at the age of 95, heralded as a beloved entertainer despite being in your late 20s and generally disliked at the moment.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They'll soon put you in a secure, soundproof, knife-filled room where you can't hurt anyone but yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you honestly believe you do a better job of it than they could, finishing other people's sentences for them is still a real dick move.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The job market and the economy are both pretty dismal right now, but take heart: No one would hire you even if things were perfect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All signs point to you having a quiet, uneventful week, but the stars' gut feelings nonetheless say different.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Police are forced to concede that the blowtorch really was for making crème brûlée after finding several of the desserts among the charred and smoking corpses.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The doctors will tell you you're only in for a routine colonoscopy, but then the minor-key calliope music will begin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This will be a very romantic period for Sagittarius, which beats the hell out of the weepy, self-absorbed pre-Raphaelite period you've been going through.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is a great time to start new projects, as long as they don't involve a router, a band saw, or tungsten inert gas welding.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never believed that "love conquers all," but that will change when love invades the area, enslaves your subjects, and sows your fields with salt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This week will be a series of excruciatingly painful metaphorical and physical low blows for you.

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