Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The jury won't buy your story of demonic possession. Which is no big deal, because the demon just wanted your Milk Duds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You do not subscribe to the sinful, heretical theory of evolution. You do, however, subscribe to Young & Chubby Bubble Bottom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though it's been years, you haven't given up hope that the government will issue a formal apology for calling you a spoiled, self-centered brat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You won't accept the "Gaia" theoryóthe notion that the entire Earth is one huge organismóso long as the cacti are your friends and the ferns want you dead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's okay to tell a girl you like the way she walks, as long as you do it politely, and she's not an amputee who uses those clip-on arm canes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Actually, your form of love is a crime, but, due to a loophole, you're not guilty.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It might be the absolute last straw, but at least it's one of those fun and colorful flexi-straws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon experience a mystical transformation into a higher form of pure, ultimate consciousness, but you still won't be a "math person."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    War will ravage the land, leaving cities in ashes and causing no stone to lay atop another, when you try to enforce your definition of classic rock.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you and the dedicated cop will have many things in common, such as a love of the hunt and a taste for danger, it can only end one way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have the freedom to choose, and therefore have the potential to transcend your very nature through an act of will, but you will only choose extra cheese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you finally learn to relax and/or live with yourself, your vacation and/or life will be almost over.