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Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

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Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Holidays

Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The jury won't buy your story of demonic possession. Which is no big deal, because the demon just wanted your Milk Duds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You do not subscribe to the sinful, heretical theory of evolution. You do, however, subscribe to Young & Chubby Bubble Bottom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though it's been years, you haven't given up hope that the government will issue a formal apology for calling you a spoiled, self-centered brat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You won't accept the "Gaia" theoryóthe notion that the entire Earth is one huge organismóso long as the cacti are your friends and the ferns want you dead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's okay to tell a girl you like the way she walks, as long as you do it politely, and she's not an amputee who uses those clip-on arm canes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Actually, your form of love is a crime, but, due to a loophole, you're not guilty.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It might be the absolute last straw, but at least it's one of those fun and colorful flexi-straws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon experience a mystical transformation into a higher form of pure, ultimate consciousness, but you still won't be a "math person."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    War will ravage the land, leaving cities in ashes and causing no stone to lay atop another, when you try to enforce your definition of classic rock.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you and the dedicated cop will have many things in common, such as a love of the hunt and a taste for danger, it can only end one way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have the freedom to choose, and therefore have the potential to transcend your very nature through an act of will, but you will only choose extra cheese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you finally learn to relax and/or live with yourself, your vacation and/or life will be almost over.

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