Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 26

Adobe Summit

Richard Sherman. Everyday. Trash talks a brand new kitten.

Husband Chooses Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating

LINCOLN, NE— Husband Bruce Menden purchased a Geo Metro Tuesday, selecting the car on the basis of its rock-bottom passenger-side impact rating in Consumer Reports. "This car's price isn't inflated by sturdy, impact-resistant steel, is it?" Menden asked the salesman. "Safety's important, but I don't want to blow a fortune on luxuries." Menden, who always drives during outings with wife Cheryl, also passed on the optional passenger-side airbag.

Motivational Tape Gets Man Excited For 20 Minutes

SALINA, KS— The motivational cassette "Start That Motor!" got laid-off sales rep Bruce Smales, 39, excited about his life's possibilities for 20 minutes Monday. "The guy on the tape talked about all kinds of things, like 'making your luck' and stuff," Smales said. "It sounded great, and I went right off to make my 'Life List.'" Upon finding his pen out of ink, Smales retired to the couch, where he watched a Hunter marathon on TBS

Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan

LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor said. "I don't know, from her fan mail I always thought she'd be more exciting, I guess," Washington said following his awkward four-minute conversation with the 47-year-old Pomona waitress and mother of three. "And I'd always imagined she was taller."

Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went

ALBANY, NY— Local resident Clint Fuster, 33, struggled to remember the old "HBO Feature Presentation" theme music from the '80s Monday. "They had that thing where the camera zoomed through a city street and up into the sky," Fuster said. "Then it went something like, 'Na-na-NAAA, na na-NAAA.' But I also remember a part that went, like, 'NA-na-na, NA-na-na.' It was really cool—almost as cool as the credits for USA Night Flight."

More Police Brutality In L.A.

The Inglewood police officer seen on a videotape violently arresting a handcuffed black teenager has pleaded innocent to an assault charge.What do you think?

The Corporate-Fraud Bill

Responding to the recent rash of business-world corruption, the House passed a corporate-fraud bill last week.

Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens

HOUSTON— Fans of alcoholic beverages were excited by the opening of J.T. O'Drinky's, a new booze-themed bar. "Lots of people love alcohol, so we figured that a bar centered on that concept was a natural," said Jim Reichel, owner and creator of the bar. "Patrons can enjoy a 'Gin and Tonic,' and other whimsically named drinks, as well as enjoy our decor, which includes posters and neon signs celebrating various beers and liquors."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    The jury won't buy your story of demonic possession. Which is no big deal, because the demon just wanted your Milk Duds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You do not subscribe to the sinful, heretical theory of evolution. You do, however, subscribe to Young & Chubby Bubble Bottom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Though it's been years, you haven't given up hope that the government will issue a formal apology for calling you a spoiled, self-centered brat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You won't accept the "Gaia" theoryóthe notion that the entire Earth is one huge organismóso long as the cacti are your friends and the ferns want you dead.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's okay to tell a girl you like the way she walks, as long as you do it politely, and she's not an amputee who uses those clip-on arm canes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Actually, your form of love is a crime, but, due to a loophole, you're not guilty.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It might be the absolute last straw, but at least it's one of those fun and colorful flexi-straws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will soon experience a mystical transformation into a higher form of pure, ultimate consciousness, but you still won't be a "math person."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    War will ravage the land, leaving cities in ashes and causing no stone to lay atop another, when you try to enforce your definition of classic rock.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Though you and the dedicated cop will have many things in common, such as a love of the hunt and a taste for danger, it can only end one way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You have the freedom to choose, and therefore have the potential to transcend your very nature through an act of will, but you will only choose extra cheese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    By the time you finally learn to relax and/or live with yourself, your vacation and/or life will be almost over.
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