Aries | March 21 to April 19
The jury won't buy your story of demonic possession. Which is no big deal, because the demon just wanted your Milk Duds.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You do not subscribe to the sinful, heretical theory of evolution. You do, however, subscribe to Young & Chubby Bubble Bottom.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though it's been years, you haven't given up hope that the government will issue a formal apology for calling you a spoiled, self-centered brat.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You won't accept the "Gaia" theoryóthe notion that the entire Earth is one huge organismóso long as the cacti are your friends and the ferns want you dead.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's okay to tell a girl you like the way she walks, as long as you do it politely, and she's not an amputee who uses those clip-on arm canes.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Actually, your form of love is a crime, but, due to a loophole, you're not guilty.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It might be the absolute last straw, but at least it's one of those fun and colorful flexi-straws.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will soon experience a mystical transformation into a higher form of pure, ultimate consciousness, but you still won't be a "math person."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
War will ravage the land, leaving cities in ashes and causing no stone to lay atop another, when you try to enforce your definition of classic rock.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though you and the dedicated cop will have many things in common, such as a love of the hunt and a taste for danger, it can only end one way.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have the freedom to choose, and therefore have the potential to transcend your very nature through an act of will, but you will only choose extra cheese.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
By the time you finally learn to relax and/or live with yourself, your vacation and/or life will be almost over.
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