adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of July 24, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The jury won't buy your story of demonic possession. Which is no big deal, because the demon just wanted your Milk Duds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You do not subscribe to the sinful, heretical theory of evolution. You do, however, subscribe to Young & Chubby Bubble Bottom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though it's been years, you haven't given up hope that the government will issue a formal apology for calling you a spoiled, self-centered brat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You won't accept the "Gaia" theoryóthe notion that the entire Earth is one huge organismóso long as the cacti are your friends and the ferns want you dead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's okay to tell a girl you like the way she walks, as long as you do it politely, and she's not an amputee who uses those clip-on arm canes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Actually, your form of love is a crime, but, due to a loophole, you're not guilty.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It might be the absolute last straw, but at least it's one of those fun and colorful flexi-straws.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon experience a mystical transformation into a higher form of pure, ultimate consciousness, but you still won't be a "math person."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    War will ravage the land, leaving cities in ashes and causing no stone to lay atop another, when you try to enforce your definition of classic rock.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you and the dedicated cop will have many things in common, such as a love of the hunt and a taste for danger, it can only end one way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have the freedom to choose, and therefore have the potential to transcend your very nature through an act of will, but you will only choose extra cheese.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you finally learn to relax and/or live with yourself, your vacation and/or life will be almost over.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close