Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your week will be entirely uneventful after the thing with the church fire.
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