Aries | March 21 to April 19
Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your week will be entirely uneventful after the thing with the church fire.
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