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Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your week will be entirely uneventful after the thing with the church fire.

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