Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 25

Hair Weave Shaved Off

JACKSONVILLE, NC–Choosing the popular "bald look" over a full, rich head of hair, Jacksonville resident Michael Elroy shaved off his $875 hair weave Tuesday. "I figured, hey, chicks like bald guys like Bruce Willis," Elroy told reporters following the four-minute weave removal. "Might as well go with the flow." In the past 10 years, the 41-year-old Elroy has had two tattoos removed through laser surgery, allowed three piercings to close, and twice dyed his bleached hair back to its original brown.

Man Realizes He Shouldn't Have Told Girl On Phone He Was Taking Dump

GRANBURY, TX–Moments after ending an on-the-toilet phone conversation with a female friend, Bruce Halpern realized Monday that his candor regarding his whereabouts may have been ill-advised. "That was dumb," Halpern said to himself following the call. "I've told lots of guy friends that I was taking a dump while talking to them, but Julie seemed pretty grossed out." Halpern made a mental note to explain the echo effect in future phone calls by saying he is in the garage.

Police Use Exact Right Amount Of Force To Subdue Suspect

CHICAGO–A pair of Chicago police officers earned accolades Monday, when they used the perfect amount of force to subdue 22-year-old robbery suspect Reggie Clifton. "Officers [Brendan] Ford and [Matt] Molloy did a terrific job, putting the suspect in a restraining headlock that was strong enough to immobilize him, yet not so strong as to accidentally cause his neck to snap," police chief Frank DeLuca said. "It should also be noted that these two exemplary officers did not open fire on the suspect when he put his hands in the air, mistakenly thinking he was reaching for a gun somewhere above his head."

The Backstreet Boys Or 'N Sync Release New Album

NEW YORK–Pop, the hotly anticipated new album from either The Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync, hit record stores Tuesday. "I'm pretty sure this is Backstreet Boys, because that's the band where The Tough One has the goatee and the beads in his hair but no blond streaks, right?" said David Blitz, manager of the Times Square Virgin Megastore where the band made a special in-store appearance Monday before thousands of screaming fans. "Whichever band this is, though, they're definitely poised to take back their crown from the other band." The new album is said to reflect either The Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync's maturing sound, with several darker tracks exploring the perils of fame.

The Stem-Cell Debate

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?

Jordan Ponders A Comeback

Michael Jordan, mulling a return to basketball, has said he will make a decision by mid-September. What enticements has the NBA offered to lure him back?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
  • Libra

    Libra

    No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your week will be entirely uneventful after the thing with the church fire.
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