Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The spider you befriend while in prison will amaze you by spinning a web reading "SOME MURDERER" above your bunk before your parole hearing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go bankrupt selling a set of enthusiastically narrated audio tapes designed to help you learn to relax while you sleep.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your attempts to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempts to live a life of the stomach.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Dengue, or bonebreak fever, is carried by the insect Aedes aegypti and occurs only in the tropics, which makes your death doubly surprising.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will continue to suspect that the honest, down-to-earth woman you love is faking her organic gardening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No matter how often you administer the damn things, home pregnancy tests continue to remind you that you are male.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon find yourself in such dire financial straits, you will not even be able to afford to pay attention.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the kind of person who has conversations with her dead grandmother all day, so it would be nice if she'd stop talking to you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your anxiety concerning your place in the universe is allayed when you remember that it's a cute little house on Willard Street, just off the park.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive a letter from ex-boxer Leon Spinks, who threatens to reveal himself as your long-lost son unless he receives $9 in unmarked bills.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your week will be entirely uneventful after the thing with the church fire.