Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.