Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 25

Terminally Ill Friend Not Much Fun Anymore

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ–Edward DuBrow, diagnosed with terminal leukemia on July 11, is not much fun to hang around with anymore, friends of the East Brunswick 24-year-old said Monday. "Eddie used to be such a wild man," friend Rich Hough said. "We'd go out to bars, and he'd always be the loudest, drunkest, funniest guy in the whole place. Now, he just lies around and talks about medicine and stuff. It's kind of a downer." Liz Appice, DuBrow's longtime girlfriend, has severed all ties to him, saying that "the magic just isn't there anymore."

Mathematician Has Popular Equation Stuck In Head All Day

CAMBRIDGE, MA–MIT mathematics professor Dr. Charles J. Chang has had the Pythagorean Theorem, a popular mathematical equation, running through his head all day, he reported Monday. "I overheard one of my colleagues discussing it with a student this morning, and ever since, I haven't been able to shake the damn thing," Chang said of the simple theorem, which is used to calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle. "The weird thing is, I'm not even all that into Pythagoras–I mainly read Boolean and Quadratic–but it's just so catchy." Chang has made numerous attempts to get the theorem out of his head, including reading all of E.H. Spanier's Algebraic Topology and calculating the circumferences of various circles.

What Y'all Heard About Tha CPA Convention Be LIES

Yo, peep this: I know all y'all wanna hear about tha mad bugged-out shit that went down at tha annual Monroe County CPA Convention from July 14-16 at tha Ramada Inn Northeast. Y'all heard about tha violence an' tha lootin' an' tha arrests an' all that shit, but I'm here to say that most of that shizit you read in tha newzpaypas an' saw on TV be WACK.

The Queen Mum's 100th

On August 4, the Queen Mother turns 100. How will the beloved British royal's birthday be celebrated?

You Are Now For Sale

As you leaden-pated slow-coaches are too thick to realize that running a multi-tentacled news-paper empire takes an iron will and a strong stomach. If you do not exercise a certain low animal cunning with regard to your employees, occasionally put a business-rival to the garrote, and maintain a strong cash position, the Swiss will be running your news-paper in jig time!

Parents Of 80-Pound Toddler Lapping Up Publicity

DALTON, GA–At first glance, Angela and Travis Rohner appear to be your average couple. Married for 13 years, these high-school sweethearts have lived their entire lives in Dalton, where Travis works as a parking-garage attendant and Angela is a cashier at the local Wal-Mart.

America's Air-Traffic Jam

Despite FAA efforts to improve the nation's air-traffic-control system, flight delays and cancellations are at an all-time high. What do you think of this steadily worsening problem?

War Talks Begin At Camp Goliath

THURMONT, MD–Unable to reach an accord after two weeks of peace talks at Camp David, Palestinian and Israeli leaders moved to Camp Goliath Monday to begin war talks. "It's still early in the war process, but we have every reason to be optimistic," Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak said. "I am fully confident that by week's end, we will reach an impasse and achieve a state of open hostility between Arabs and Jews." Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat agreed. "From Palestinian sovereignty in East Jerusalem to the fate of West Bank refugee settlements, there is so much we disagree about," Arafat said. "The gap between us should not be difficult to widen." The talks will be brokered by former president Gerald Ford, who won the Nobel War Prize for his role in the 1973 Camp Goliath summit that led to the Yom Kippur War.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.
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