Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.