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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.
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