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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Horoscope for the week of July 27, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's no shame in being a little depressed from time to time. There is, however, lots of shame in washing dozens of cheese-filled pancakes down your throat with bourbon because of it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can say you're not a good father, but that's because your kids' very existence has been a closely guarded state secret for many years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always feared change in your life, so relax: You're going to be in a nice, stable coma for the foreseeable future.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your only rule is never to volunteer for anything, which sucks when people ask if you'd like a big bag of money.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Advances in medical technology will soon make it possible for EMTs to train on highly advanced mannequins, leaving you with absolutely nothing to do on nights and weekends.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon be so fat that, when you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai, you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The other guys keep telling you to get rid of that beard you've had since college, but not only are you quite fond of her, she is also the mother of your two darling daughters.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be getting plenty of hot and heavy action in the near future, but unfortunately for your love life, it's mostly the explosions, car chases, and heavy gunfire kind of action.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You thought you'd have a hard time finding steady work as a compliant sexual zombie, but next week will demonstrate that there's always a demand for real talent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Having a foot fetish is one thing, but chopping the feet off of a perfectly good woman and discarding the rest is just plain wasteful.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Right now, you have no knowledge of basic metallurgy, but after next week's trip to the foundry, you'll be keenly aware of the exact melting point of lead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Wearing white after Labor Day isn't the faux pas it once was, but wearing the same tattered white wedding dress from now until Labor Day is going to be seen as somewhat odd.

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