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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of July 27, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's no shame in being a little depressed from time to time. There is, however, lots of shame in washing dozens of cheese-filled pancakes down your throat with bourbon because of it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can say you're not a good father, but that's because your kids' very existence has been a closely guarded state secret for many years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always feared change in your life, so relax: You're going to be in a nice, stable coma for the foreseeable future.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your only rule is never to volunteer for anything, which sucks when people ask if you'd like a big bag of money.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Advances in medical technology will soon make it possible for EMTs to train on highly advanced mannequins, leaving you with absolutely nothing to do on nights and weekends.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon be so fat that, when you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai, you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The other guys keep telling you to get rid of that beard you've had since college, but not only are you quite fond of her, she is also the mother of your two darling daughters.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be getting plenty of hot and heavy action in the near future, but unfortunately for your love life, it's mostly the explosions, car chases, and heavy gunfire kind of action.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You thought you'd have a hard time finding steady work as a compliant sexual zombie, but next week will demonstrate that there's always a demand for real talent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Having a foot fetish is one thing, but chopping the feet off of a perfectly good woman and discarding the rest is just plain wasteful.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Right now, you have no knowledge of basic metallurgy, but after next week's trip to the foundry, you'll be keenly aware of the exact melting point of lead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Wearing white after Labor Day isn't the faux pas it once was, but wearing the same tattered white wedding dress from now until Labor Day is going to be seen as somewhat odd.

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