Horoscope for the week of July 27, 2005

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 27, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's no shame in being a little depressed from time to time. There is, however, lots of shame in washing dozens of cheese-filled pancakes down your throat with bourbon because of it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can say you're not a good father, but that's because your kids' very existence has been a closely guarded state secret for many years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always feared change in your life, so relax: You're going to be in a nice, stable coma for the foreseeable future.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your only rule is never to volunteer for anything, which sucks when people ask if you'd like a big bag of money.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Advances in medical technology will soon make it possible for EMTs to train on highly advanced mannequins, leaving you with absolutely nothing to do on nights and weekends.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon be so fat that, when you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai, you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The other guys keep telling you to get rid of that beard you've had since college, but not only are you quite fond of her, she is also the mother of your two darling daughters.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be getting plenty of hot and heavy action in the near future, but unfortunately for your love life, it's mostly the explosions, car chases, and heavy gunfire kind of action.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You thought you'd have a hard time finding steady work as a compliant sexual zombie, but next week will demonstrate that there's always a demand for real talent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Having a foot fetish is one thing, but chopping the feet off of a perfectly good woman and discarding the rest is just plain wasteful.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Right now, you have no knowledge of basic metallurgy, but after next week's trip to the foundry, you'll be keenly aware of the exact melting point of lead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Wearing white after Labor Day isn't the faux pas it once was, but wearing the same tattered white wedding dress from now until Labor Day is going to be seen as somewhat odd.
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