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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.

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