adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of July 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close