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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 1999

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.

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