Aries | March 21 to April 19
Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.
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