Horoscope for the week of July 28, 1999

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of July 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have difficulties coping with your co-workers. Try using a coping saw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your current state of bliss will last until next Wednesday. If you are not currently in a blissful state, ignore this horoscope.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week is a good time to consider the bigger picture. Except Sunday, when Bob and Bev are having that cookout.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo would like to point out that the chair you're sitting on exerts a greater influence over you than any distant constellation. That said, enjoy your forthcoming romantic midnight sea-journey.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This is a watershed week for Libra, as you are finally able to break your lifelong addiction to food and water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your welfare will be continually overlooked in favor of much more important matters. Now, back to Terror In The Skies III: Who’s Flying The Plane?! on the Scorpio Channel.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are ugly and stupid, but your mother says to ignore them, as they’re just jealous.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    G. Gordon Liddy sees no reason to apologize for, let alone explain, his setting fire to you last week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what he had in mind.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are spoiled, abrasive and willfully ignorant. However, life will be easy for you, thanks to your magnificent rack.