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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you'll never be able to convince FEMA that Baltimore was like that when you got there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Astounding as it seems, the transit of Saturn across your sign portends that you'll have a decent time at RiverFest this weekend.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your promise to rebuild the world with blood, pain, and legal pot will resonate with the weirdest voting bloc yet recorded.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never been a big fan of cigars, but if there's a cooler-looking way to light all those fuses, you're not aware of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The aliens will claim that our primitive language contains no word for the emotion they're feeling, but that's bullshit. They're bored out of their skulls.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be unable to explain what you were doing drinking naked in the back of the frozen-fish truck, but you won't have to. We've all been there.

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