adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you'll never be able to convince FEMA that Baltimore was like that when you got there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Astounding as it seems, the transit of Saturn across your sign portends that you'll have a decent time at RiverFest this weekend.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your promise to rebuild the world with blood, pain, and legal pot will resonate with the weirdest voting bloc yet recorded.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never been a big fan of cigars, but if there's a cooler-looking way to light all those fuses, you're not aware of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The aliens will claim that our primitive language contains no word for the emotion they're feeling, but that's bullshit. They're bored out of their skulls.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be unable to explain what you were doing drinking naked in the back of the frozen-fish truck, but you won't have to. We've all been there.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close