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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you'll never be able to convince FEMA that Baltimore was like that when you got there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Astounding as it seems, the transit of Saturn across your sign portends that you'll have a decent time at RiverFest this weekend.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your promise to rebuild the world with blood, pain, and legal pot will resonate with the weirdest voting bloc yet recorded.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never been a big fan of cigars, but if there's a cooler-looking way to light all those fuses, you're not aware of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The aliens will claim that our primitive language contains no word for the emotion they're feeling, but that's bullshit. They're bored out of their skulls.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be unable to explain what you were doing drinking naked in the back of the frozen-fish truck, but you won't have to. We've all been there.

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