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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you'll never be able to convince FEMA that Baltimore was like that when you got there.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Astounding as it seems, the transit of Saturn across your sign portends that you'll have a decent time at RiverFest this weekend.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your promise to rebuild the world with blood, pain, and legal pot will resonate with the weirdest voting bloc yet recorded.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've never been a big fan of cigars, but if there's a cooler-looking way to light all those fuses, you're not aware of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The aliens will claim that our primitive language contains no word for the emotion they're feeling, but that's bullshit. They're bored out of their skulls.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be unable to explain what you were doing drinking naked in the back of the frozen-fish truck, but you won't have to. We've all been there.

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