Aries | March 21 to April 19
The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Try as you might, you'll never be able to convince FEMA that Baltimore was like that when you got there.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Astounding as it seems, the transit of Saturn across your sign portends that you'll have a decent time at RiverFest this weekend.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your promise to rebuild the world with blood, pain, and legal pot will resonate with the weirdest voting bloc yet recorded.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've never been a big fan of cigars, but if there's a cooler-looking way to light all those fuses, you're not aware of it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The aliens will claim that our primitive language contains no word for the emotion they're feeling, but that's bullshit. They're bored out of their skulls.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be unable to explain what you were doing drinking naked in the back of the frozen-fish truck, but you won't have to. We've all been there.
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