Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

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Vol 33 Issue 26

Area Client Would Like A Different Font

PASSAIC, NJ—Gavin Werdlick, owner of a chain of Passaic-area sub shops, would prefer a different font, sources at Byrd Advertising learned Thursday. "Maybe one of those fonts where it's all swirly," Werdlick told his advertising representative. "Then it would be all fancy-looking." Fonts previously rejected by Werdlick for his ad include Bureau Grotesque, Futura Condensed Light, and Bodoni BE Extra-Bold.

Pursued Drunk Driver Crafts Brilliant 'Don't Stop' Plan

TUPELO, MS—Law-enforcement officials and tactical analysts alike are applauding the creativity of drunk driver Leon Frisch, who responded to pursuing police Saturday with a brilliant "don't stop" plan. "I was drunk, and I knew I would be in trouble if I got caught in such a state," Frisch said, "so I settled on a plan of not stopping." Sgt. Robert Love, one of the pursuing officers, described himself as "utterly bamboozled" by Frisch's unorthodox stratagem. "I had no idea how to respond to this inspired ruse," Love said. "I stand in awe of his ingenuity."

Morbidly Obese Man Recommends You Read The Hobbit

PHOENIX—Roy Cordell, a 475-pound science-fiction enthusiast, strongly recommends you read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, it was learned Monday. "You haven't read The Hobbit?" said Cordell, sweating profusely. "It's the tale of Bilbo Baggins, who is torn from his cozy hobbit hole by a band of rowdy dwarves and taken on a fantastic quest for the dwarves' ancestral treasure, which was stolen by the evil dragon Smaug." Pausing to shove a slice of Pizza Hut Sausage Lover's Pizza into his bearded, gaping maw, Cordell noted that Tolkien was a remarkable man. "He was a professor of languages and knew all about mythology," he said. "His Middle Earth novels truly are a landmark of literature." The humongous Cordell concluded by urging you not to get him started about the computer game Warcraft II: Tides Of Darkness.

Porn-Store Change Machine Gummed Up Again

ST. LOUIS—Despite three thorough cleanings this month, the change machine at Naughty But Nice Adult Magazines & Video Gallery has once again become clogged and inoperable. "I don't know what's wrong with the damn thing," said store owner James Vanderbek. "We paid too much for it to have to be cleaning it every week, I can tell you that." Said Ken Woodruff, the store's assistant manager: "It always seems to happen on Wednesday nights: Right around the time this one funny-looking tall guy leaves, someone always seems to complain about not being able to get change."

KFC Paleontologists Reconstruct 24-Piece Party Bucket From Single Chicken Leg

LEXINGTON, KY—In a major paleontological breakthrough, scientists at the Sanders Institute have successfully reconstructed a 24-piece KFC party bucket believed to date from as far back as last Thursday. "Using the bones of the leg retrieved from the Jonesboro dig, we have rebuilt this bucket, which appears to have once contained nine thighs and seven breasts," team leader Dr. Bryce Wallace said. "We also gathered data which may provide clues as to what cole-slaw sides and sporks looked like in those days."

Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?

Depression Sufferer Insufferable

DURHAM, NC—Despite an elaborate regimen of prescription medications and thrice-weekly therapy sessions, local depression sufferer Gary Blanke remains a horribly insufferable person, area sources reported Tuesday.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The colorful custom of hurling a daily Pisces from the top of a bridge dates back to 7th-century Finland.
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