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Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The colorful custom of hurling a daily Pisces from the top of a bridge dates back to 7th-century Finland.

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