adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The colorful custom of hurling a daily Pisces from the top of a bridge dates back to 7th-century Finland.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close