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Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The colorful custom of hurling a daily Pisces from the top of a bridge dates back to 7th-century Finland.

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