Aries | March 21 to April 19
You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."
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