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Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."

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