adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close