Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 29

NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag

VENICE BEACH, CA—An avid National Public Radio listener, 48-year-old bicycle repair-shop technician Steve "Hozzie" Hasaji pledged $30 to 89.9 KCRW and "scored a kick-ass tote bag," Hasaji reported Tuesday. "Check this out," he said, showing coworkers a navy denim bag emblazoned with the KCRW logo. "If I knew listening to Morning Edition every day before breakfast was gonna get me this cool bag, shit, I woulda sent them money a long time ago." Hasaji added that Renee Montagne's insightful interview with author Diana Abu-Jaber was "totally off the hook."

That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident

RILEY, OR—Thirty-year-old Daryl Wohlert, that guy who always had all the knives in high school, was arrested Monday for allegedly threatening a local storekeeper with a switchblade, Riley police reported. "Daryl always used to have a knife on him, and a couple lying on the top shelf of his locker, too," said Riley Police Department desk clerk Jeremy Dunbar, who graduated with Wohlert from Riley High School in 1991. "He used to flip that thing around and roll it around in his hands until [shop teacher] Mr. Adams told him to put it away. Even after he put it back in the sheath, he'd still hold it out to threaten us with the case." Wohlert's alleged victim, 58-year-old Clarence Sewell, declined comment.

Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him

MEMPHIS, TN—Based on approximately two minutes of conversation and a series of polite smiles, chiropractic patient Jordan Walters earnestly believes that receptionist Mandy Pruitt is hitting on him, waiting-room sources reported early this afternoon. "Did you see how she offered to get me coffee?" an excited Walters said after Pruitt left to fetch him coffee. "I think she was just looking for an 'in' with me, if you follow me. One where she got to show me her legs." Earlier that day, Walters also caught the eye of an Applebee's waitress, a Goodyear service-center employee, and two different bank tellers.

Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action

PROVIDENCE, RI—Children playing on the swingsets at Waldo Street Tot Lot were treated to a raw, uncensored display of hot pug-on-pug action, sources reported Tuesday. "First the one doggy got behind the other doggy," said Andy Haupert, 6. "Then the first doggy tried to get on top of the other doggy while the other doggy tried to run away. It was really funny." The canine copulation has been the most talked-about animal-related playground incident since June, when a pigeon crapped all the way down the slide.

Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline

WASHINGTON, DC—House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) announced Tuesday that a new hotline will allow average Americans the chance to suggest new bills to the 108th Congress. "Do you have a great idea for an amendment, a revolutionary new tax bill, or just a few riders, but don't know how to turn it into law?" said Hastert at a press conference on the Capitol steps. "Call us at 1-900-NEW-BILL. We can help. Operators in the House and Senate are standing by." Hastert added that calls are just $3.99 a minute up to the first 10 minutes.

Uday And Qusay On Display

Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think?

You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."
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