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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."

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