Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of July 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You could be bound in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space, were it not for the fact that you have no imagination whatsoever.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's still going to be muggy in the high 90s with occasional periods of wind as far as your personal forecast is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your actions this week will all be morally correct and without flaw, as long as you've correctly interpreted the Book of Numbers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will certainly survive next week, but it won't be the kind of survival that sells a lot of inspirational books.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although it's true that your spouse doesn't make you happy, keep in mind that nothing really ever does.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Please contact the service department at Scorpio Communications and explore options to restore your service.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It may take extensive surgery to turn you into a Bond girl, but it's still a lot cheaper than hiring one of today's A-list actresses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things about the universe that you are simply not spiritually capable of knowing, such as its exact size, mass, and age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."