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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.

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