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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.

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