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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.

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