Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

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Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.
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