Aries | March 21 to April 19
A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.
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