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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

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Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
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Horoscope for the week of July 31, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.

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