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Horoscope for the week of July 6, 2005

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of July 6, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll enter into local-legend status this week when, wandering on an important personal quest, you become the Flying Dutchman of your local big-box stores.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll enter the record books in style, better than tripling Roy Sullivan's old mark of being struck by lightning an amazing seven times.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although you've always worried about dying alone and unloved, you can put your mind at ease: A tragic mix-up at the pheromone lab will lead to your being loved to death by nine separate species.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would love to take credit for guiding you to your fated destiny, but Occam's Razor and plain common sense point toward your turning into a colossal asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are many possible fates in store for you this week, but they all seem to involve you standing rain-drenched and shoeless at the side of a major interstate highway, cursing single men everywhere.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon come to symbolize the world's increasingly cold and callous nature when your death is used to demonstrate the impact-resistant grill of the new Ford 500 sedan.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never wondered what would happen if all those big glass skyscraper windows fell to the sidewalk at once, but you'll soon be able to satisfy the curiosity of those who have.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    To your vast surprise and that of marine biologists worldwide, you'll discover that you play a vital role in the 30-year mating cycle of the limpet shark.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There is no medical proof that chemical castration helps to prevent serial double-parking, but where you're concerned, the traffic court isn't taking any chances.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be little change in your uneventful life this week, which is too bad considering you've been hanging from those manacles for a couple decades now.

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