Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always made a living off the very sweat of your balls, so it's a good thing your ball-sweat retails for 600 bucks an ounce.


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