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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always made a living off the very sweat of your balls, so it's a good thing your ball-sweat retails for 600 bucks an ounce.

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