Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've always made a living off the very sweat of your balls, so it's a good thing your ball-sweat retails for 600 bucks an ounce.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION