Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always made a living off the very sweat of your balls, so it's a good thing your ball-sweat retails for 600 bucks an ounce.
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