Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 27

Sara Gilbert Crush Finally Starting To Subside

STEVENS POINT, WI—Area accountant James Perloff's crush on actress Sara Gilbert, best known for her portrayal of sarcastic teenager Darlene Conner on the sitcom Roseanne, has finally started to wane, the 30-year-old reported Monday. "I saw [Gilbert] on a talk show yesterday and my heart barely fluttered. When I was in high school, if Darlene walked on screen, my chest would absolutely pound," Perloff said. "Maybe I've turned a corner on this thing." Perloff said he first detected the waning of his crush when he neglected to see Riding In Cars With Boys in the theater.

Cashier Learning Valuable But Illegal Job Skills

BUTTE, MT—Three weeks into his first job, part-time Big Sky Foods cashier Vance Freeman is picking up invaluable but criminal workplace skills, the 16-year-old reported Monday. "This is just a minimum-wage job, but by taking the initiative to skim the till, I'm preparing for my future," Freeman said, as he surreptitiously slipped three quarters into his pocket. "Someday, I'll be able to apply my knowledge to a lucrative career in white-collar crimes like embezzlement, insider trading, maybe even fraud." Freeman said he's looking forward to his break, when Greg the produce guy will show him how to prop open the service entrance so he can sneak food out to his car.

Al-Qaeda Hires Public-Relations Consultant Just To Shoot Him

BAGHDAD—Al-Qaeda operative Mullah Hashem hired Elliot Dobin, a consultant for the Boston public-relations firm Schneider & Koff, for the sole purpose of murdering him, sources reported Monday. "The al-Qaeda have taken such a beating in the press that we figured they wanted to clean up their media image, so we sent our best guy," firm partner Jerry Koff said. "But Elliot had barely shaken everyone's hand when Hashem and his guards shoved him up against the wall and shot him in the back of the head. He didn't even get to show them his PowerPoint presentation." Bergman said he'll confront Hashem about the incident as soon as he figures out a way to spin Dobin's shooting into a positive.

Fahrenheit 9/11

Michael Moore's documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 has broken box-office records, but some Bush supporters say it's flawed. What is the basis of their objections?

Count Those Blessings

Whew! Boy, Jeanketeers, having Type 2 diabetes is no picnic. (Pun definitely intended!) To a person who believes in living life to the fullest and treating herself well, diabetes' constraints can be painful, to say the least. I always figured diabetics just took medication to regulate their insulin levels, but nope. I have to eat a diet lower in fat and calories, get regular exercise, and, most yucko of all, test my blood-sugar levels before meals by pricking my finger and taking a reading of the blood on a glucometer. A real bummer when you're dying to dig into your yummy (not!) salad. Also, I have to check my feet every day. (Don't ask.) It's a real bummer, too, especially since I have a little trouble with the reach. (I don't even wear shoes with laces!)

The Interest-Rate Hike

Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll stumble onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, you won't be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Never doubt that a small, dedicated group of individuals can change the world with a few vials of smallpox virus and a kilogram of plutonium.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Banana-macadamia-nut pancakes may be heavenly, but as an eternal reward for faith and good works, they'll fall just a tad short.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it was only recently that you started screaming and crying for candy.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be the first human being to catch a rare virus from the common pigeon, proving conclusively that it can be sexually transmitted.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Turns out the thing about getting 72 virgins in heaven is true, but it also turns out all they want to do is play Madden.
  • Libra

    Libra

    As soon as it's confirmed that you are indeed the world's most arrogant jackass, you'll be traded to the Yankees for a left-handed reliever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Everyone's talking about the Cassini spacecraft's amazing seven-year journey to Saturn, a trip that makes your seven-day vacation to Baltimore look like a fool's errand.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The long-awaited People's Revolution will come this week, pleasantly surprising you with the communist belief that you urgently need a jet-ski.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've always made a living off the very sweat of your balls, so it's a good thing your ball-sweat retails for 600 bucks an ounce.
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