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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are out of pencils, and the only pencil store in town closes in less than five minutes.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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