Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are out of pencils, and the only pencil store in town closes in less than five minutes.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close