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Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are out of pencils, and the only pencil store in town closes in less than five minutes.

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