adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are out of pencils, and the only pencil store in town closes in less than five minutes.

More from this section

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close