Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 23

Doritos Good

WARNER ROBINS, GA—A five-year study released Monday by area resident Wayne "Bud" Junker revealed that Doritos-brand tortilla chips are, without question, good. "Whether original flavor, Cooler Ranch, or the zesty new 'Nacho Cheesier' variety, my exhaustive research indicates that Doritos are very good." To underscore the study's findings, Junker stuffed a fistful of Doritos into his mouth, exclaiming, "Mmm-mmm!" A 1995 couch-based study conducted by Junker concluded that Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey-flavor ice cream is delicious.

Jimmy Stewart: 'Please God, I Want To Live Again'

BEDFORD FALLS, NY—Legendary actor Jimmy Stewart, who died last week at age 89, begged God Monday for another chance at life. "Get me back! Get me back! I want to live again!" Stewart shouted from a snow-blown bridge. "Please God, let me live again!" Despite the impassioned plea, God decided not to permit Stewart to return to earth. His longtime guardian angel, Clarence, refused to comment, saying only, "I think I'll have another rum punch." Friends and family gathered at Stewart's home Tuesday to pay tribute, singing "Auld Lang Syne" and praising him as "the richest man in town." They denied rumors that God's decision was due to a 1929 sex scandal in which the beloved star was seen giving money to town tramp Violet Bick.

The Holy Woman Knoweth Well Her Place

To-day's sermon concerns Woman, a Vessel capable of both Holiness and Wickedness alike, but who all too often takes the latter Path, being as she is a Daughter of Eve, whose Envy, Ambition, and Weakness of the Flesh caused the Expulsion from Eden, and eternal Banishment from an Earthly Paradise for all of God's Children.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You are out of pencils, and the only pencil store in town closes in less than five minutes.
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