Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 26

Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired

EULESS, TX–Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get fired." "Making turkey hoagies isn't what I plan to be doing long-term," Graser said. "I'm just doing this until I've stolen enough food and treated the customers rudely enough that [Sub Shack manager] Barry [Wheaton] cans my ass." Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.

Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class

GROSSE POINT WOODS, MI–Jim Blakeley, 43, a Ford Motor Company executive with personal assets totalling roughly $5.5 million, described himself as "upper-middle class" Monday. "I guess I'm pretty well-off. I make a decent upper-middle-class living, but I'm certainly not what you'd call super-rich," said Blakeley, whose annual salary of $675,000 puts him in the top one-half of 1 percent of Americans. "I know plenty of people who make way more than I do, but I get by with what I have."

Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files

CHICAGO–At the Chicago Home Expo Monday, throngs of voracious Midwesterners descended on the State Farm Insurance booth to grab free promotional nail files. "Look–they have the State Farm logo printed right on them," said Beth Hoffman, 37, a Zion, IL, mother of four, as she clutched a handful of the complimentary items. "I'll grab a few extra for Mom. I'm sure she could use a couple, too." The horde of freebie-seeking Midwesterners then moved on to the Century 21 real-estate booth, where they plundered a basket filled with free business cards that turn to sponges when dunked in water.

Summer Music Festivals

Summer's here, and that means it's time for music festivals. What are some of this year's big tours?

Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For example, I had my hours cut at work. I asked if they were mad at me, and they said I drove people to and from the airport like a champ, but that business was slow. I told them to just fire me so I could get unemployment, but they said they wanted to keep me for when things get better. Now I gotta get a second job, which totally blows. I'd quit, but it's one of the best jobs I've ever had.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.
  • Leo

    Leo

    No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.
  • Libra

    Libra

    That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're the kind of person who considers himself open to all kinds of new experiences, as long as they involve eating buffalo wings.
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