Aries | March 21 to April 19
Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You're the kind of person who considers himself open to all kinds of new experiences, as long as they involve eating buffalo wings.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION