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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're the kind of person who considers himself open to all kinds of new experiences, as long as they involve eating buffalo wings.

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