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Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of July 9, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You know you should really stop hurling fistfuls of hamsters out the window of your speeding car, but they're so darn cute.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's looking like they're not going to call you the Double-Dustpan Killer until you kill someone with a pair of dustpans.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally learn the true meaning of fear this week. First of all, it's not a light minty flavoring.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    That man who just wrapped a trombone around your neck was Jim Knepper, a Mingus sideman and notorious crank.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bossiness and predilection for minding other people's business are important parts of being the World's Best Grandma.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A little bird tells you that someone has a crush on you, but terrible secrets imparted by the giant birds hatched from the sun render this irrelevant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The importance of a good night's sleep will be briefly overshadowed by the importance of a good set of shovels and entrenching tools.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're the kind of person who considers himself open to all kinds of new experiences, as long as they involve eating buffalo wings.

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