Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus includes the stars of the Pleiades—mentioned in the Bible and instrumental in the design of the Pyramids—but these beauties are just one of the many reasons to visit the most popular constellation in the Zodiac.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've already been subjected to scorn and derision. With hot summer weather coming, you can now add extreme physical discomfort to the things you will endure when sporting that long black velvet cape.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Actually, a goatsucker is an order of insect-eating nocturnal birds that includes the whippoorwill and the nighthawk, you pervert.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been afraid to learn the lessons of history, which is why your solution to everything is nuking Japan.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be found guilty of 12,582 counts of bee murder and given the responsibility of pollinating every flower in your immediate neighborhood for 11 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Change is long overdue in your life, but sadly, the Zodiac can no longer find a place in the budget for such outdated expenditures.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always reported the incidents as "drive-by shootings," but that may not be the proper term to describe your situation, wherein everyone you drive by shoots at you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Word to the wise: Although your baby is indeed badly in need of a new pair of shoes, it is not likely that any situation involving dice is likely to produce said shoes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    With NASA under increased pressure to perform and to curry public favor, they're seriously considering using cutting-edge technology to launch you into orbit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Once, you were just the infant found in a city dumpster. Now, you're known nationwide as "that guy who's lived his entire life in the dumpster where he was found as an infant."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your exuberance at suddenly discovering you can fly is muted somewhat when the discovery happens during your tour of the White House, causing you to be blown out of the air by vigilant F-15 pilots.
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