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Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus includes the stars of the Pleiades—mentioned in the Bible and instrumental in the design of the Pyramids—but these beauties are just one of the many reasons to visit the most popular constellation in the Zodiac.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've already been subjected to scorn and derision. With hot summer weather coming, you can now add extreme physical discomfort to the things you will endure when sporting that long black velvet cape.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Actually, a goatsucker is an order of insect-eating nocturnal birds that includes the whippoorwill and the nighthawk, you pervert.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been afraid to learn the lessons of history, which is why your solution to everything is nuking Japan.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be found guilty of 12,582 counts of bee murder and given the responsibility of pollinating every flower in your immediate neighborhood for 11 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Change is long overdue in your life, but sadly, the Zodiac can no longer find a place in the budget for such outdated expenditures.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always reported the incidents as "drive-by shootings," but that may not be the proper term to describe your situation, wherein everyone you drive by shoots at you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Word to the wise: Although your baby is indeed badly in need of a new pair of shoes, it is not likely that any situation involving dice is likely to produce said shoes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    With NASA under increased pressure to perform and to curry public favor, they're seriously considering using cutting-edge technology to launch you into orbit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Once, you were just the infant found in a city dumpster. Now, you're known nationwide as "that guy who's lived his entire life in the dumpster where he was found as an infant."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your exuberance at suddenly discovering you can fly is muted somewhat when the discovery happens during your tour of the White House, causing you to be blown out of the air by vigilant F-15 pilots.

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