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Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus includes the stars of the Pleiades—mentioned in the Bible and instrumental in the design of the Pyramids—but these beauties are just one of the many reasons to visit the most popular constellation in the Zodiac.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've already been subjected to scorn and derision. With hot summer weather coming, you can now add extreme physical discomfort to the things you will endure when sporting that long black velvet cape.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Actually, a goatsucker is an order of insect-eating nocturnal birds that includes the whippoorwill and the nighthawk, you pervert.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been afraid to learn the lessons of history, which is why your solution to everything is nuking Japan.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be found guilty of 12,582 counts of bee murder and given the responsibility of pollinating every flower in your immediate neighborhood for 11 years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Change is long overdue in your life, but sadly, the Zodiac can no longer find a place in the budget for such outdated expenditures.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always reported the incidents as "drive-by shootings," but that may not be the proper term to describe your situation, wherein everyone you drive by shoots at you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Word to the wise: Although your baby is indeed badly in need of a new pair of shoes, it is not likely that any situation involving dice is likely to produce said shoes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    With NASA under increased pressure to perform and to curry public favor, they're seriously considering using cutting-edge technology to launch you into orbit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Once, you were just the infant found in a city dumpster. Now, you're known nationwide as "that guy who's lived his entire life in the dumpster where he was found as an infant."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your exuberance at suddenly discovering you can fly is muted somewhat when the discovery happens during your tour of the White House, causing you to be blown out of the air by vigilant F-15 pilots.

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