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Horoscope for the week of June 10, 1998

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of June 10, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her on the spot.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You finally discover a hobby you enjoy when you stumble across a group of Vietnam War re-enactors hiding out in the woods.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Another sloppy, unsatisfying night of sodomy will finally convince you that church is a bad place to meet dates.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suffer minor injuries when, during dinner conversation about Dom DeLuise, your use of the phrase "fat, has-been sad-sack" is overheard by Rush Limbaugh, who is seated at the next table.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your "you can use a shovel for anything" theory will be proven when the woman sitting next to you on a trans-Atlantic flight suddenly goes into labor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will discover the power of chain letters when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive a disturbing late-night phone call from Charlton Heston, who "just wanted to remind you" that he will soon control the entire NRA.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that now is a good time to take chances with your stock portfolio, a piece of information that is useless to winos like you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your husband is the nicest, cutest man in the entire world, so he shouldn't have to do his own dishes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be investigated by the Department of Labor after forcing your employees to dress like Pippi Longstocking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    As an Aquarius, you are a fun-loving person who can be very serious when the situation calls for it. Of course, most people are like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that you would be much better off if you stopped dating men with names like Sterling and Brooks, and met a nice Bob or Sam.

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