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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Horoscope for the week of June 10, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her on the spot.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You finally discover a hobby you enjoy when you stumble across a group of Vietnam War re-enactors hiding out in the woods.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Another sloppy, unsatisfying night of sodomy will finally convince you that church is a bad place to meet dates.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suffer minor injuries when, during dinner conversation about Dom DeLuise, your use of the phrase "fat, has-been sad-sack" is overheard by Rush Limbaugh, who is seated at the next table.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your "you can use a shovel for anything" theory will be proven when the woman sitting next to you on a trans-Atlantic flight suddenly goes into labor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will discover the power of chain letters when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive a disturbing late-night phone call from Charlton Heston, who "just wanted to remind you" that he will soon control the entire NRA.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that now is a good time to take chances with your stock portfolio, a piece of information that is useless to winos like you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your husband is the nicest, cutest man in the entire world, so he shouldn't have to do his own dishes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be investigated by the Department of Labor after forcing your employees to dress like Pippi Longstocking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    As an Aquarius, you are a fun-loving person who can be very serious when the situation calls for it. Of course, most people are like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that you would be much better off if you stopped dating men with names like Sterling and Brooks, and met a nice Bob or Sam.

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