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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Horoscope for the week of June 10, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her on the spot.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You finally discover a hobby you enjoy when you stumble across a group of Vietnam War re-enactors hiding out in the woods.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Another sloppy, unsatisfying night of sodomy will finally convince you that church is a bad place to meet dates.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suffer minor injuries when, during dinner conversation about Dom DeLuise, your use of the phrase "fat, has-been sad-sack" is overheard by Rush Limbaugh, who is seated at the next table.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your "you can use a shovel for anything" theory will be proven when the woman sitting next to you on a trans-Atlantic flight suddenly goes into labor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will discover the power of chain letters when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive a disturbing late-night phone call from Charlton Heston, who "just wanted to remind you" that he will soon control the entire NRA.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that now is a good time to take chances with your stock portfolio, a piece of information that is useless to winos like you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your husband is the nicest, cutest man in the entire world, so he shouldn't have to do his own dishes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be investigated by the Department of Labor after forcing your employees to dress like Pippi Longstocking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    As an Aquarius, you are a fun-loving person who can be very serious when the situation calls for it. Of course, most people are like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that you would be much better off if you stopped dating men with names like Sterling and Brooks, and met a nice Bob or Sam.

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